|that friend and her corrupting influence
||[Mar. 13th, 2016|05:47 pm]
So like I said before, I am not talking to a friend of mine and while she had reasons that we should probably discuss when we are talking again (or if we are ever going to talk again), I think that the main one and I think we agreed on it was that I was just too exhausting for her. I basically threw out all emotional neediness and vulnerability at her at once and then said "Hey! Look at all this emotional bullshit! YOU deal with it! Also, I'm totally in love with you so if you set limits I am going to be crushed! So no pressure. No pressure. I know you are dealing with a ton of shit, but I am just going to bury you in mine while you're at it." |
But the flip side of this friendship is that it was pretty sexual - sadly not literally so much as conversationally - and well that was fun. That was really fun. So fun that the main trigger that made me miss her last week - there were a lot but this was the big one - was seeing a porno with a woman that looked like her, even had her glasses, sucking a dude off until he came in her face. And it made me sad that I couldn't send her the porn clip and go "so I am pretty sure that this is not you, but is it? Seriously, it's totally hot if it is you." (the porn actress's name who seems like she's amateur based on the scarcity of clips is Bunnybutt - I am not sure if that is the actual name she is trying to go by or if that's just the titles)
And this was probably the place we should have stayed at. Just perverts telling each other our sex stories and sharing porn clips and giving each other masturbation material. You get so few friends that you can talk like that with. Hell, one of my favorite romantic story fuckups is the one where I ended up in a three-way in which I learned 1. I'm probably not bisexual, 2. how to lick pussy and 3. I am totally going to put The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" in the nostalgia place next to smoking pot and learning how to go down on a woman. (the other detail of the evening was that poor Mike wanted to get in on it, but after making out with him for a time, I realized that I wasn't bi and neither Maggie nor Joel were all that into him either. So he jerked off and went out to buy drugs and we never saw him again that night. I remember this detail more now because it was Mike's apartment. Like Mike's party turned into an orgy and the three people who remained were pretty much "nah Mike, we're kicking you out" - I mean we weren't nasty about it or anything).
And that story (which I have not told for a long time) basically ended with me writing a love letter to Maggie and the part where I was talking about jerking off to her all the time - NOT APPRECIATED. In fact, she was utterly disgusted with me and would not even accept my apology. And of course, I was devastated because I did not mean to disgust her.
The analogy I came up with at the time was the cat whose main love token is dead mice.
But this story is in contrast to my friend from New Jersey who LOVED it when I talked about masturbating. She would tell me her stories and I would go "ok, I gotta jerk off now" and she thought that was hot.
I note the irony of how of all the things in our friendship that were uncomfortable and creepy and just not good communication, the creepy nasty sex talk was NOT in that category. Hell, the nasty sex talk was probably the main reason why she didn't cut me off earlier.
And so why am I thinking about this? Because now that I remember how much I like to talk about fucking in all of its varieties and how much I usually don't have a filter, I am a little wary of my behavior around people who are NOT my friend from New Jersey. And since I can't talk to my friend from New Jersey about every nasty perverted thing in my head, I hear it slipping out (that's what she said - sorry) when I am talking to other friends. Hell, I even hit on a friend and a boyfriend at last night's party, totally in that "Well I don't think I'm bisexual but why don't we have a threeway because if I have to suck dick to fuck you, ok cool" - and I am not sure if this can be completely chalked up to being really drunk at 3 in the morning. I am just grateful that another friend got so damn drunk that she was barely able to stand and so I had a good reason to leave the party (me and two other guys) so that I didn't just hang out and hear myself get steadily more creepy - to the point where the whole "yeah, Tim is being drunk and trying to shock" portion of the evening gave way to "let's never talk to creepy Tim again".
By the way, at the time, my favorite detail in that three way story was the fact that my mom read the letters that I wrote describing it and for the first time I felt like I had gotten some much needed revenge for the fact that the woman had no problem reading my mail.
Also I was trying to be Henry Miller at the time. But who wasn't trying to be Henry Miller in college?
So yeah, right now the problem is moving beyond "My ONLY emotional outlet is gone!!! Whatever am I going to do?" and morphing into the relatively less terrifying but probably needs addressing really fast problem of "who do I get to be all perverted with?" - which means I must get out there and date.