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Tim Lieder

[ website | Dybbuk Press ]
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[ archive | journal archive ]

I don't write graphic novels [May. 1st, 2016|11:16 pm]
Tim Lieder
A friend told me that he mentioned me to his second grade class as an example of someone who had a bad time in middle school and high school (See! I am totally insecure and an emotional wreck from being rejected - it's confirmed) and how I was brilliant and wrote great things and wrote graphic novels. And then he explained what graphic novels were.

Which would be great if I ever wrote graphic novels. Oh sure, I wrote a script to a comic book in an effort to adapt my one book into one - but then that company stopped publishing comic books and just fucked around giving art classes. I haven't heard from those guys in years.

What is so bothersome about this is the fact that my life is way cooler in the minds of my old friends than it really is. No, actually what is really fucking annoying is that they are impressed with the notion that I make a living as a writing without having ever read anything that I wrote or publish. Hell, some people even think that I publish graphic novels.

I suppose I should be more interested in the whole notion that I am an example of someone who has a shitty time of it in middle school and high school and someone that people feel guilty about (even people who have no reason to be) but by that time I was eager to get the fuck out and move on with my life. So I wasn't really in that zone. There was always a foot out the door.
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Memorial for a Friend that stopped being a friend [May. 1st, 2016|10:37 pm]
Tim Lieder
I am remembering an LJ friend who is now dead. His name was myrch and years back I saw that he had died. By that time we had stopped talking and what was odd was the fact that I wasn't the asshole. I tend to come off as an aggressive jerk, especially when I get stubborn about being right. Try to tell me that GMOs are evil or that homeopathy is a welcome antidote to Big Pharma and I can be merciless. Other times, I am just frustrated and bored with being in the same room with frustrating and boring people. I can hear myself speaking and I want to outright tell myself to shut the fuck up and stop being so cranky - this happened on Thursday night when I was at a table full of dudes who were talking about (mostly in a negative sense) about their yeshiva experience. I even ended up next to a guy who loudly imitated the rabbis who were very much against iphones and social media. He thought he was hilarious and I get the feeling that no one has ever told him that he's fucking boring in his life (he is very good looking - I can appreciate the fact - but the problem with being good looking is the same as the problem with being rich or famous. Everyone acts like you are fascinating and intelligent and witty when they aren't listening to you).

I don't want to be an asshole. I do come off like one. I act like one, but in the most honest and brutal self-evaluation, I have to say that I am still just as insecure as I was in grade school when no one seemed to like me because I dressed funny and ate my crayons and never combed my hair (although I did not know that these were the reasons at the time). I still crave affection and acceptance and it comes so infrequently that I have built up walls of aggression and strategies of coping with people - such as coming on really strong in order to weed out the people who won't like me over the long term. So it's a game of Love Me or Hate Me I don't care. I do care, but I guess it just makes more sense to put it all out there like that.

There is something else that is bothering me, but I think if I start talking about it I won't stop. There's a friend that I am disgusted with who reluctantly and snidely claimed that he was not going to continue his behavior, but there was no apology and a lot of defensiveness for what he did.

But back to myrch - Myrch was one of those really funny people on LJ that I loved to interact with. We could keep a thread going for days and it was never bitter or angry. It was fun and we one-upped each other. Kind of like when the AV Club would post a particularly great story and everyone would pile on with the puns and the satirical jokes. I remember a fairly long thread that began with an x-rated interpretation of Aretha Franklin's Freeway of Love.

And then I asked him to join Weirdjews2. So strange that this group once mattered so much. I was put in the group on FB that is basically the WJ or WJ2 and I had absolutely no interest. But once I loved that group and I kept trying to make it grow (I also started it after breaking away from Weirdjews). I made mistakes. I should not have announced that I kicked out one member publicly (she had been trolling) especially since she got kicked out of Weird Jews so many years ago which prompted me to finally start Weird Jews 2. I should not have defended another member as the token rightwinger - especially since my friends that I made through it hated him - and I knew that he was bad news and a hypocrite - so eager to condemn anyone outside his group, so eager to defend his group.

But asking Myrch to join was a problem because Myrch saw another member and started with a fat joke - not even a joke - just a nasty remark about this guy's weight. This guy just posted about his diabetes on FB and that's what reminds me of this (but the emotional resonance comes from somewhere else). Anyhow when challenged, Myrch just kept going and doubled down. He talked about how obesity was a health crisis and how he had a right to criticize. I didn't see much of it, I was just shocked that someone I considered a friend was being so egregiously nasty to someone else, someone who I did not even know so well.

So I asked Myrch not to be an asshole on my group - I asked on his LJ comments. He unfriended me which I think might be something different on LJ. We never talked again.

I really wish that I could have re-connected with him. I thought that there was time. But that ended. I don't know if I ever knew him. My interactions were 99% and 1% that last time when he suddenly grew toxic. But that last 1% was the end. In a friend's memorial she said that he was always kind and never judgmental and that's how I would have loved to have remembered him.

I guess I am thinking about another friend who is turning out to be quite toxic.
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So how did I fuck up today's plan [Apr. 27th, 2016|01:25 am]
Tim Lieder
Today's plan was simple and exciting. I was going to write some fiction, finish a paper and then go out to the Prince Memorial Dance party tonight. So I got up at noon. I took a bath and then I thought that since I was going to go out, I would make food because it's Pesach and most of the restaurants aren't opened for Pesach. And then I made a lot of meat which weighed me down.

And then instead of writing fiction, I sat down and wrote the paper. Only I wasn't in the mood to write the paper. I was in the mood to go on Facebook and see what was going on. Oh sure, I did get some amusement from the Hugo Awards and the Puppy strategy of nominating popular works on their slates in order to declare bogus victory while they sneak a whole lot of bullshit into the related works category (including Marion Zimmer Bradley's daughter blaming homosexuality for child molestation because her experience as the daughter of child molesters - one alleged and one convicted - gives her the perspective to hate on everything her parents believed). Of course, they also got My Little Pony and Chuck Tingle's latest dinosaur fuck story on the ballot.

So I guess this means Vox Day is out of the closet? Sorry homosexuals of the world. You get him now.

And then I worked on the paper. And it was an easy paper but I kept getting distracted. Actually I knew it was an easy paper so I just kept distracting myself. I went on youtube. I went back on Facebook. I ate some more of the meat that I made this morning. The plan of eating a salad and then some meat cooked with vegetables and spend the rest of the day eating fruit was fucked. Now I feel like a rock is in my stomach and I don't really want to take more laxative because the poop explosions are almost as bad as the Pesach constipation.

And it got humid in my apartment. I liked how my belt felt when I put it on. But now it feels tight, because I sat on my couch all day and distracted myself from writing a paper that was fairly easy.

I also had idle day dreams of getting out of my house.

By the time I called my mom I was grumpy as hell. A second cousin was just taken to the hospital because he fell and knocked himself out and lost a lot of blood and that's worrisome. But then she again asked me to repeat myself three times and I got frustrated and that was the end of that conversation.

Tomorrow I am going to go out. I might see Purple Rain at the 2nd Avenue movie theater. I am definitely going to get over to Brooklyn for that dance party that follows their Purple Rain show.

I am also sweating. I really should just give this long sleeve Borg t-shirt to the goodwill. It is too tight and it makes me sweat. It's too hot for Spring and Summer. In the Fall and Winter it's a fucking t-shirt.

I also watched Grimm and Battlestar Galactica. It's after one in the morning and now Red Dawn is on - the original one that is funny as hell. Love that Harry Dean Stanton goes "I was hard on you. And now you know why," as if he was prescient in knowing that his sons would totally be Colorado mujahadeen against the invading Soviets. Good thing they invaded. Else he would have just been an abusive prick.

This day was fucked.
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I need to read more on gender fluid, etc. - I don't quite get it yet (and please no explanations) [Apr. 8th, 2016|12:54 am]
Tim Lieder
So I have to admit that I've been transphobic in the past and I still probably have some transphobia clinging to the brain right now. And I don't know everything. Yes, I actually admit to that.

Two terms that are currently bothering me because I feel many urges to dismiss them often due to the people who claim to be described by them are demisexual and gender fluidity - and I think for the same reason - or for similar reasons.

Whenever I hear or read either term there is part of me that starts thinking "Oh well someone on Tumblr wants to feel special" and in the snottiest voice possible. My internal monologue is a real bitch sometimes. And there are some pretty horrible self-involved people whom I have seen identify these ways. There are also perfectly nice people identifying these ways. And even if I only knew of horrible people identifying as either gender queer or demisexual, I should not be so dismissive. I'm an adult already and I should not be having these difficulties with accepting people for their own identities. Unless of course, they think that they are fairies or unicorns then no. Not gonna happen. But of course, it always seems like one sad teenager in Hoboken identifies herself as an otherkin and everyone else is doing it to throw shit at transgender people.

So back to homophobia and transphobia. In both cases, my initial reaction was "Yuck. That's totally outside my frame of reference and it scares me," only not in so many words obviously - especially not with the admission that I was scared or anxious about anything of the kind. But the very fact that homosexuality and transgender were things that were far removed from my perspective meant that I could also accept that these were people who were wired certain ways just like my brain worked a certain way and so I could push past my initial "you put what in your mouth?" reaction to get that yes, some people were born with gender and sex not agreeing and needed to fix that and other people found same sex fucking fun and opposite sex disgusting in the same way I felt about the opposite activities.

And yeah, bisexuals feel like they are being erased in these conversations. And that's kind of true.

But with gender fluid and demisexual, these things seem to be normal or pretty close to normal and by normal I am talking about the majority opinion. I suppose demisexuals not getting that anyone that they are not in a committed relationship are necessarily sexy or hot does make it different than the run-of-the-mill explanation which often seems to come from porn - like "I don't want to fuck everyone I see" which is true for everyone. Also, I think that demisexual is a tough one to accept as part of the LGBT world or even as a subset of asexuality (which it is) just because for centuries rabbis, priests and imams have been telling humanity that this is the way that they SHOULD view sexuality (ok priests are fucked up but even them) and supported by several love odes that don't necessarily involve knights running off with young wives. You are supposed to only want to fuck one person all of your life and you should not have a problem with thinking about outside relationships.

But then again, that's not really something that seems achievable to most - so maybe by confirming to this limitation demisexuals are truly rare.

Is scarcity the rubric by which I'm judging these people? Am I treating people who say "I'm gender fluid" or "I'm demisexual" in the same way I would treat people who claim to be chocoholics or daily masturbators? I suppose if someone tried to claim that loving chocolate or masturbation placed them in a segment of the population that was actively discriminated against or that people just didn't understand how integral chocolate or masturbation was to their lives, I probably would have no problem snorting derisively.

And so gender fluid also seems like something I should be accepting but yet it seems like it's just not really - I don't know. I might be misinterpreting it. Or I might be dismissing it in the same douchey way someone gets dismissed when they talk about their mental illness with "everybody feels that way."

So I guess I don't get gender fluidity and yet it's too familiar not to think/feel that I actually get it. Who the fuck confirms to their gender role? How do we separate the gender fluid identity from the conversation about how gender roles are artificially imposed and no one gender has a monopoly on farting, drinking beer, wanting to look pretty, crying at movies, being ambitious, etc.?

I suppose the main thing that I am doing here is going "well lots of people feel that way" when no, lots of people don't feel that way. I definitely shouldn't be doing that though. And I am trying not to do it.
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The Mental Illness Stigma - Politics [Mar. 21st, 2016|06:17 pm]
Tim Lieder
Mostly I still think that the worst part about the mental illness stigma is the fact that people who could be getting help are not getting help. Alcoholism took years and decades to get to a place where alcoholics have a network in place to encourage them to deal with the fact that they have a problem. And of course, many alcoholics still need to get to that place where they can admit that they have a problem (life hack tip for terrible people - if you are dating a non-recovering alcoholic and you don't want to deal with the mess of a breakup that could lead to reconciliation then just confront her about her habit of drinking every day and call her an alcoholic. Of course, by the end of that argument about how you're not a social worker or a drug counselor so what the fuck would you know and if you keep running your mouth she is going to sue you for defamation or libel, you will probably wish that you had just said "this isn't working out" and left it at that). But for mental illness, it's all about being crazy or mad - mad mad they called me mad - I will show them!!!!

And then we get to politics. And how often shitty and evil rulers are called crazy or society gone mad. Oh sure, there are a lot of sociopaths in politics and Charles Manson was not exactly the paradigm of mental health. And we all like to sit around telling stories of Idi Amin. But for the most part, we still can't use the term evil outside of a religious context so it seems weird to call someone evil. Instead we call serial killers cowards and genocidal dictators crazy. But for many of these genocidal dictators there has been a very clear and rational program in place. It's just fucking evil.

I was thinking of this because someone called Donald Trump mentally ill. I guess they wanted to say crazy but figured why not be polite? Of course, I don't know if Trump is mentally ill unless Affluenza has made it into the DSM without my knowledge. Trump is a shitty human being who has gotten everything he ever wanted and continues to get everything he ever wanted. And like many of his ilk, he has never had anyone seriously tell him that he couldn't do anything. So unlike the rest of us plebs, he probably has not had a moment of serious self-doubt or self-evaluation in his life.

He might also be mentally ill, but he's an asshole first and foremost.

Still this reminds me of Richard Nixon finding information about McGovern's running mate being under treatment for depression and making that public so that McGovern was forced to change running mates which seriously undercut McGovern's ability to win any states. Of course, Nixon did not have to do anything and he would have won. McGovern was too leftwing for most Democrats and forget about the undecideds. The Republican party was riding high. The Democratic party was fractured with the Dixiecrats abandoning it in droves and being replaced by hippies (many of whom would turn to Reagan by 1984 - so thanks assholes). But that's Nixon.

Still the main president who actually had mental illness - like Depression - and it seems like his Depression was not something that was being very well hidden even before he took office - was Abraham Fucking Lincoln.

And yeah, it was pretty crazy to run on a platform of ending slavery and then to pass the Emancipation Proclamation in the middle of the war that the South had started for the precise reason of preserving slavery (or ethics in game journalism) but there was the possibility that the South could have delayed the end of slavery for decades if they hadn't rebelled. So haha fuck those guys. But that's not the point.

In the 20th century, we also got Winston Churchill who was a bit of a motherfucker but he was the motherfucker who rallied England around the cause of beating Hitler.

The point is that calling politicians mentally ill is a shitty thing to use as an insult and what makes it even worse is the fact that it's not necessarily borne out by leaders. Sure, no one wants a Caligula who was utterly schizophrenic and maybe bipolar, but mental illness does not disqualify so we should stop acting like it.
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worried abotu someone that I don't know in RL - and I'm more of a fan than a friend even online. [Mar. 15th, 2016|01:33 pm]
Tim Lieder
Nathan Rabin's last post on Twitter and FB was "I am happy. That is all." which sounds nice but he hasn't posted since then. And he has depression. In fact he's been pretty open about struggling with depression. So I am kind of doing what I was annoyed with other people for doing when I was talking about maybe having depression and that is to worry. Because when a depressive says "I am happy" yes, they could be happy. Or it could be a suicide note.

And as little as I know Rabin in real life, I am a fan and I do like him and I really don't want him to kill himself. I know. That sounds weird.

Ok, I should focus on my problems. One of the things I said in therapy which was a reminder was the fact that I was so focused on fixing Chevi that I ignored what her behavior was doing to me. And I am repeating a relationship that was imprinted on me from an early age when my mom would say evil shit like "we only have each other" as if I was supposed to be responsible for her for the rest of my life when I was like 10. I knew it was bullshit then, but I have not been very good at forging relationships that move beyond that parasitic need model.

And what's nice is the fact that my mom is no longer expecting me to call her every day. I totally missed calling her on Sunday and she didn't notice. I called her last night and she hung up on me to watch The Bachelor. So I guess her volunteer (who is also a psychologist) has been helping her.

But I do want to feel needed. I guess wanting to feel needed in a healthy way and NEEDING to feel needed is the difference. Helping a friend get home when she has had too many and holding her hair back when she pukes is great for the feeling of being needed - but wanting that to happen all the time to the point that I don't feel good about myself if said friend is perfectly fine is stupid. Also cultivating friends who ALWAYS get so damn drunk that they are falling all over themselves is a poor solution. Because then I'm just playing white knight.

Also the friend that I'm not talking to - a great deal of the relationship was about her troubles and me feeling like a big hero for listening to her when she needed it. I didn't want it to be like that, but it's hard to change behavior and brain wiring even when you know it's like that.

I say all this to admit to myself that there is really nothing I can do about someone who is somewhere between stranger and online friend (but not a close one) if he is in trouble beyond expressing concern. And the main person that I need to take care of is me.
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that friend and her corrupting influence [Mar. 13th, 2016|05:47 pm]
Tim Lieder
So like I said before, I am not talking to a friend of mine and while she had reasons that we should probably discuss when we are talking again (or if we are ever going to talk again), I think that the main one and I think we agreed on it was that I was just too exhausting for her. I basically threw out all emotional neediness and vulnerability at her at once and then said "Hey! Look at all this emotional bullshit! YOU deal with it! Also, I'm totally in love with you so if you set limits I am going to be crushed! So no pressure. No pressure. I know you are dealing with a ton of shit, but I am just going to bury you in mine while you're at it."

But the flip side of this friendship is that it was pretty sexual - sadly not literally so much as conversationally - and well that was fun. That was really fun. So fun that the main trigger that made me miss her last week - there were a lot but this was the big one - was seeing a porno with a woman that looked like her, even had her glasses, sucking a dude off until he came in her face. And it made me sad that I couldn't send her the porn clip and go "so I am pretty sure that this is not you, but is it? Seriously, it's totally hot if it is you." (the porn actress's name who seems like she's amateur based on the scarcity of clips is Bunnybutt - I am not sure if that is the actual name she is trying to go by or if that's just the titles)

And this was probably the place we should have stayed at. Just perverts telling each other our sex stories and sharing porn clips and giving each other masturbation material. You get so few friends that you can talk like that with. Hell, one of my favorite romantic story fuckups is the one where I ended up in a three-way in which I learned 1. I'm probably not bisexual, 2. how to lick pussy and 3. I am totally going to put The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" in the nostalgia place next to smoking pot and learning how to go down on a woman. (the other detail of the evening was that poor Mike wanted to get in on it, but after making out with him for a time, I realized that I wasn't bi and neither Maggie nor Joel were all that into him either. So he jerked off and went out to buy drugs and we never saw him again that night. I remember this detail more now because it was Mike's apartment. Like Mike's party turned into an orgy and the three people who remained were pretty much "nah Mike, we're kicking you out" - I mean we weren't nasty about it or anything).

And that story (which I have not told for a long time) basically ended with me writing a love letter to Maggie and the part where I was talking about jerking off to her all the time - NOT APPRECIATED. In fact, she was utterly disgusted with me and would not even accept my apology. And of course, I was devastated because I did not mean to disgust her.

The analogy I came up with at the time was the cat whose main love token is dead mice.

But this story is in contrast to my friend from New Jersey who LOVED it when I talked about masturbating. She would tell me her stories and I would go "ok, I gotta jerk off now" and she thought that was hot.

I note the irony of how of all the things in our friendship that were uncomfortable and creepy and just not good communication, the creepy nasty sex talk was NOT in that category. Hell, the nasty sex talk was probably the main reason why she didn't cut me off earlier.

And so why am I thinking about this? Because now that I remember how much I like to talk about fucking in all of its varieties and how much I usually don't have a filter, I am a little wary of my behavior around people who are NOT my friend from New Jersey. And since I can't talk to my friend from New Jersey about every nasty perverted thing in my head, I hear it slipping out (that's what she said - sorry) when I am talking to other friends. Hell, I even hit on a friend and a boyfriend at last night's party, totally in that "Well I don't think I'm bisexual but why don't we have a threeway because if I have to suck dick to fuck you, ok cool" - and I am not sure if this can be completely chalked up to being really drunk at 3 in the morning. I am just grateful that another friend got so damn drunk that she was barely able to stand and so I had a good reason to leave the party (me and two other guys) so that I didn't just hang out and hear myself get steadily more creepy - to the point where the whole "yeah, Tim is being drunk and trying to shock" portion of the evening gave way to "let's never talk to creepy Tim again".

By the way, at the time, my favorite detail in that three way story was the fact that my mom read the letters that I wrote describing it and for the first time I felt like I had gotten some much needed revenge for the fact that the woman had no problem reading my mail.

Also I was trying to be Henry Miller at the time. But who wasn't trying to be Henry Miller in college?

So yeah, right now the problem is moving beyond "My ONLY emotional outlet is gone!!! Whatever am I going to do?" and morphing into the relatively less terrifying but probably needs addressing really fast problem of "who do I get to be all perverted with?" - which means I must get out there and date.
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so first therapy [Mar. 10th, 2016|08:58 pm]
Tim Lieder
I have been using my credit card too much. I took it out of its hiding place and then it became my main payment method. I think that I might have undone most of the money that I sent that thing after getting the loan that I will be on the hook for for the next six months.

Speaking of money, some crackhead stole my check and managed to cash it for cash at a check cashing place. Didn't even endorse the back or anything. So I went to the police station to get the report - which is all the way on the other side of Manhattan, but at least it was near Buddha Bodai.

And when I was getting them to fill out the report for it, it was only then that I found out that it was stolen. I actually thought that my landlord accidentally put a line through the 5 and made it into an 8 and that was the only problem. It did not occur to me that someone fucking just stole it and they would have gotten away with it (actually technically they have gotten away with it) if they hadn't put that line through it in order to get an extra $300 out of me.

When I went to sign a form a piece of lint fell out of my pocket and the cop totally gave me shit for that. So I left it on the floor and said "fuck the police" in the saddest bit of punk rebellion ever. Actually I picked it up and apologized and laughed because seriously, if I had just left trash that would have been rude. Also there were helping me.

So therapy - first session. Oddly enough I talked about my ex-girlfriends but I did not talk about the longest obsession I had. I talked about the latest one only - the one that inspired me to get therapy. But the long one - the one that started the year I moved to New York and only ended after six years when she stopped taking emails from me - that one was the worst. And the shitty part is that it only ended when I started dating the abusive ex and couldn't talk to her.

Is that what it's like with me? Can I only get past obsession if I never talk to them? That's not always the case, but I always think that I can transition it into a friendship but either the woman is not someone I really would want as a friend (fucking libertarian) or it just seems weird to be casual without that energy. There is one friend that I was obsessed with for a couple months, but we have a pretty bad relationship now. I don't want to confront her about her alcoholism and she constantly lies about it and then her feelings get hurt when I don't believe her bullshit stories 100% - and yeah, that's my perspective, but I suspect that if she ever quits drinking that she will agree with it - but then also think that I am an asshole.

And there is the nice ex-girlfriend but we never talk. Like every couple years we exchange emails. And I had another obsessive crush that provided the original template - not because she was the first, but she was the first that made a concerted effort to remain friends.

The take-away was that I would get assigned to a shrink. Also it would not be a short journey. Of course, it's been a long journey regardless so that's not a big deal.
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Perspective pt 2 [Mar. 5th, 2016|08:25 pm]
Tim Lieder
So before I blocked this friend on FB I texted her because having some time alone from her made me realize one thing that I was purposefully ignoring for months. And that was that when she was talking about being a jerk and using me and just liking the attention, that she was being a jerk and using me and just liking the attention.

Hell, I was practically her manic pixie dream girl.

Basically when she found me on FB as a friend of a friend, she thought I was funny but as time went on she started saying how funny I was and even cyber-stalking me to a certain extent. She was trapped in an abusive and shitty marriage and I was one of those lifelines that became a catalyst for leaving it. And we talked about this and it isn't entirely off base to say that I symbolized something that she had abandoned when she "put away childish things" in order to become a wife and a mother at a very young age. Even if her husband wasn't an abusive shithead she may have been looking for a way out.

And for months we talked about meeting up. There were things in the way. The first time I tried to be noble and say that I didn't want to cause trouble for her if her husband was still going to have a problem. In July I was leaving for CONvergence. We finally met up in November and it was amazing.

Then she tried to get rid of me. As early as a week after we saw each other she was making noises about "thanks. This was special but that's it. You were exactly how I thought you would be." And I kind of ignored that, mostly because I managed to keep her interested. And the rest of it was a lot of hidden agendas and cross-purposes. Hell, she even outright told me that she had a boyfriend two months later and that only made me want her more. Of course, one of the reasons she gave for wanting to end this friendship was because of the boyfriend, which is weird - I mean this boyfriend sounds like either a loser or another depressive from what she has said. But who knows? If she is making a mistake, it's her mistake to make. And it's better than the last mistake which was to marry a controlling abusive prick.

But here's the thing - once she met me and got to know me as a real person who had real emotions and plans, all messy and clumsy, she couldn't deal with it.

So that was the gist of the text I sent her - I managed to send a shorter one. But yeah, she only saw me as a symbol of lost youth instead of as a friend with feelings and needs (beyond what was getting in her way). It's so easy to make people into symbols of your self-discovery, but you shouldn't do it.

Of course, this brings up the utilitarian vs. Kantian approaches to morality. Now as a utilitarian I would say that she was fine for doing this because I realized a lot about myself, I decided to go to therapy, she did make me happy and feel like I mattered enough to push me into this place. As frustrating as she might have been I did not expect anything. Because I don't really expect much out of friends. Maybe that's changing, but I kind of have her to thank for it.

So until she cut me off entirely and left me floundering without her emotional support, who the fuck cares if she was being selfish? Hell, I encouraged her to be selfish because she does put other peoples' needs first and that was how she ended up with abusive prick.

Still, now that I can process and think more clearly and not feel like I need her (these moods come and go) I see that she did use me. And what was worse than using me, she didn't even try to deal with me as a real live human being. I was just inconvenient for her. And that was a shitty thing to do - still mostly from an Kantian moral absolute perspective. I still benefited from her selfishness as shitty as that behavior might have been.

I suppose if I was more honest with myself and with her, we might still be talking. Or I don't know. I hope to be friends with her again, but it can't be like this. We cannot use each other as the basis of friendship. And I knew that I was using her, but I did not know that she was using me.

Or I did knkow, but I didn't want to know.
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perspective - I guess [Mar. 5th, 2016|08:01 pm]
Tim Lieder
So the last two entries pretty much take in the immediate effects of the end of a relationship. Which is a little ridiculous because this was a friend that I had a crush on who decided that the friendship wasn't healthy. The first one was the "everything is fine" post and the second one was the "FUCK IT ALL" post. And of course when writing about anything one's personal perspective and feelings, there are lies. So many lies. I am lying to myself and I am lying to the world. And as soon as I let all the lies out I understand that I am full of shit.

In other words, both those posts are bullshit. Yet, the truth is not really there either because honestly I don't know the truth.

But today I blocked this friend on FB. I won't keep her blocked anymore than I believe that we will never talk again. But I really can't have the temptation of her availability on FB just staring at me. If I can PM her on FB, I will eventually do it. And then do it again. I will have good days and bad days and until I can go 24 hours without thinking about her, my obsessive nature will take over. Always waiting.

Of course, the strategic reason for this is the fact that if I don't block her, she will block me. I don't know if she would block me, but it's best not to tempt fate because when I am less infatuated and more stable and not likely to make her into the answer to all my problems, I will want to re-connect to her.

Sadly, I do know her email address, phone number and hell, even her livejournal. And if I really want to get classical, I know her address and I could writer her actual letters. But FB is easier so at least I put that hurdle in front of me.

I am at peace right now. Who the fuck knows how long that will last?
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oh fuck it [Mar. 3rd, 2016|09:00 pm]
Tim Lieder
I have to stop writing posts about how much I am at peace. I am not at peace. I only say that because it sounds nice to say. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate this life. She was this part of my life that mattered and made sense. I could be good to her. I could be someone, but I chased her away. I am a fucking useless piece of shit. I don't know.

But if she were to see this and contact me and try to start up again, I know I couldn't do that. I know I am broken and fucked up. I was so accustomed to depression that I had made friends with it. I was ok with being lonely and miserable. I didn't even recognize it as misery until she came along with her fucked up life and her fucked up thoughts and told me that I was ok. She liked me. She really liked me. She evens cyberstalked me a little.

I could have kept this as friends. I could have kept it casual. I could have just wanted her but kept looking for others. I could have done a lot of stuff.

The only thing that I could have done that would have made this right is that I could have sought therapy years ago when I was heartbroken over Nanda.

I wrote a long email to Nanda today about this. I think I was trying to tell myself that I will get over this too. I know I will get over this too. But I don't want to get over it. I want her to be here with me when I am getting better. I don't want to feel like nothing works and nothing matters because of her.

I am lying to myself. Every fucking time I write this, I am lying to myself. I don't deserve love. I hate all this.

I am alive and in pain. I miss her. I miss her already. I don't believe that she's gone but I have to believe that she's gone because that's what she needs. She doesn't need me in her life. And it doesn't mean she doesn't care about me. It means that I am so fucking toxic that even when I have someone who doesn't run away from me and actually reaches out of the shitpile that is my life to say that I'm ok, I don't deserve to keep her.

None of these thoughts are truths. they are lies. They are just as much lies as when i tell myself I'm ok.

The truth is I am not ok. I would not be ok if she was in my life, but I could deny it. I could pretend that it wasn't so fucking painful. But she removed herself. She said that it wasn't working, that it wasn't healthy. She was right.

I know in some way that she cares about me and that she wishes me well. I wish that she was thinking about me. But she is relieved that I'm out of her life.

So here I am - weak and vulnerable and broken. I have been weak and vulnerable and broken for some time and she helped me to see it. Being in love with her was just my way of pretending that I could stop being so weak and vulnerable and broken but it doesn't work like that.

These are the times when I want her back so bad that I think of all the manipulative tricks I could do. The thought that I could call her up, leave a message that goes "I'm sorry, it's not your fault" and hang up is so fucking disgusting. The fact that for just a second, that possibility entered my head is hateful. I suppose it also means that she's right. I mean, how many fucking times have I done similar things because I was honestly vulnerable and just needed her?

Why doesn't knowing that I am being ridiculous help me to just stop being like this?
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Peace [Mar. 3rd, 2016|07:19 pm]
Tim Lieder
So it happened. The event that I anticipated and feared and hoped to avoid. There was a woman who I liked for a time and then fell in love with. And I fell for her when I knew that she was having a crazy years, a total clusterfuck, and that was what made me go "I'm IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!!!! Let me come to you and marry you and save you and be stepfather to your kids and we can convert to Judaism and we are perfect for each other" which was stupid and the nice thing about being older is knowing when the mind is fucking with you.

And I wrote a lot about it in the past few entries. But now she has decided that this friendship is not working for her. She is in the process of getting out of the clusterfuck that is her life and while I felt like I was playing the good and supportive friend who was helping her out - I was also adding to the clusterfuck. So getting rid of me is a good thing. Actually it's also a good thing for me.

I knew that she was becoming an addiction for me. I kind of hoped that I could have avoided it this time. I had gotten over another friend that I focused on like this.

I am grateful to her. She flirted with me when I believed that I was utter shit. She liked me when I didn't know what was going on. And she opened up to me when I needed to open up to someone. She came around at the right time and because of her I see that I need therapy. Maybe even medication. I think I am depressed and because she made me happy, I know that I want to fight this thing.

I really hope that we can be friends again sometime down the road, but right now, it's not going to happen. We were broken people and we helped each other for a time. Now we would hurt each other. We aren't well enough to take on each other's problems without ruining them.

I love her.

And because I love her I need to leave her alone.

She needs to work on her own thing. She cannot take on my issues. I cannot take on hers.

I have to admit that this hurts. Even though I know it's for the best. I don't feel the pain yet, but I suppose I will. I need to understand that I don't need her. Unless I stop needing her, I can never be her friend. Even if she changes her mind, I cannot be her friend if I need her like this.

I told her that I wanted her to be selfish. I wanted her to think of herself first. I know that she pleases people too much at her own expense. I guess she is doing what I want her to do. I have to accept that. And when I am someone better and less fucked up, hopefully I can be her friend but only if that is best for her.

When Nanda broke up with me so long ago, I really wish that I had gotten therapy then. I needed it then. Instead I took to livejournal and wrote terrible blog posts about her and the Jewish community and myself. I fought with people and got sanctimonious and worked on myself by myself. I could have saved so much time.

I wish I had been in therapy for when I met this friend that I'm talking about. Because then maybe I would just be a benefit to her life and not a drag on her emotions.
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Three things that I want to say to the woman that I am very fond of but will not... [Feb. 29th, 2016|05:07 pm]
Tim Lieder
Dear You know who are you (but hopefully you aren't reading this),

I look forward to two things. First, I look forward to the day when you stop saying that I'm brilliant and amazing and realize that I am just an idiot who knows a few cool things and is spouting off a bunch of things while you have a job where you directly benefit the lives of dozens of people a day and that's cool. Also I am spouting off all these things because you inspired me and in my default setting is much less articulate. But mostly I want to do one of my rants and get an honestly annoyed reaction from you, because they are annoying babble when you get down to it. I'm annoyed by myself. That will be the day when I know that we don't need to be careful with each other.

(I also get that sending you really long PM's is not something I should be doing - but that's why I am writing this here and not to you.)

Second, one of these days I will tell you why you mean so much to me. And why you are such a good friend. And even though I do that now, I look forward to the day when it doesn't feel like a trap or a source of discomfort. That will be the day when I have completed what you started by wiping off some of the fog of depression by reaching out to me and honestly liking me for me and explain just how important that was to me. It was something small for you, and something that you were doing for your own selfish reasons (and ironically from what you tell me it sounds like the first selfish thing you've done in years - and even that turns out to beneficial) but for me it was a light breaking through a dust cloud.

On that day, you will be able to accept that you ARE a good friend and you HAVE helped me and you can accept my gratitude. Basically that means that I have to get my head right and you have to get your head right - but this will take time. Still these are the goals.

Finally, you talked about how romantic I have been to you and how much that would be great, but I was doing it for you because I know that we are not going to be a couple, so I can just be all romantic with you because it doesn't mean anything. I now understand my weirdest drunk PM to you which was to say that I was afraid that you would fall in love with me from these things - and how much worse that would be than you just pushing me away. Because that's not me. That's a character that I'm playing. And I know why I'm playing this really sweet and romantic guy because my self-image is one of a sarcastic rage-prone asshole who spends most of his time arguing with people online and wishing them cancer (usually only Trump supporters, Nazis, MRAs and other shitheads who deserve to die).

So even though I have been acting all sweet and romantic to you, I am utterly full of shit. The fact that I'm lying to myself doesn't necessarily mitigate the fact. Truthfully, I know that I am just as prone to being the sweet romantic everything guy at the beginning of a relationship and turning into the couch accessory as anyone. And the fact that we are NOT dating only makes it feel more real because I can't really contradict all these sweet things I'm saying by doing all the stupid relationship moves - forgetting anniversaries, leaving my clothes all over the floor, not cleaning up, acting like a needy bastard who doesn't reciprocate, leaving the same fucking dishes in the sink for three days straight, etc.

Right now, I'm just constructing a persona based on the regret from an old failed relationship, one that I let die on its own (even though it took me years to admit to it).
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needs [Feb. 28th, 2016|06:15 pm]
Tim Lieder
I need friends to hang out with and I need to be alone. I need a friend to tell me that I matter to her and I also need to avoid making her into the answer to all my problems. So I don't know if I can ask her to sometimes tell me that she needs me but then again I need her to need me. So I need to hide away from her. Or maybe I don't. I just don't know.

I feel like I am hanging on tetherhooks waiting for her to talk to me but I also know that I can't possibly force a discussion. Do I want to discuss it? I don't know. I hate this. All these emotions are fucking with me.

Ok, here it is - I am afraid that I am making this woman - this one woman - into the answer to all of my problems and in this obsessive way I find that I have done this shit before. Only she is my friend and my main emotional outlet. But if she wasn't my main emotional outlet, that would be ideal.

I need.

Just the emotional black hole where all joy goes to die.

I need to be a supportive friend and I need a supportive friend.

But I am afraid that I will be so damn emotionally needy with this friend (this friend who has helped me to realize my depression and my need for therapy) that I will just draw her in too much and make it so that she needs to get away from me just for her own well being. How much we sink into the quagmire. What if I just use her to hate myself.

that's why I am getting therapy. That's why I am trying to get out and be social and self-treat in various ways before therapy (including cleaning my house and shaving every day). I don't know if it is enough. I really don't.

All I know is that a woman who by accident of making me happy is now my excuse to be miserable and feel the loneliness for every ashy second. And yet when she talks to me I'm happy. Only then I get obsessive and I hate myself for doing that. I wonder if it would be easier if she set limits or if she admitted to being annoyed or irritated by my attention. She doesn't. She wants me to feel ok. That's what she says but then I think "she's just saying that to be nice but really she wants me to go away"

Because I believe that everyone just wants me to go away and get away from them.

I suppose that's depression talking. I don't know.
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depression and listening comprehension [Feb. 26th, 2016|11:55 am]
Tim Lieder
So the first therapy session is less than 2 weeks away and then I can say whether or not I have depression. Yay. But one of my friends that I talked to about this (and of course, I talk to everyone about everything and yet still designate one woman as THE ONLY WOMAN WHO WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ME because yeah, I'm an idiot - or depression - but also idiocy - but I just wrote a zombie story based on this dynamic so that's good) just wrote and said that I seemed low the last time we talked and he hoped that I was ok.

I was happy the last time we talked. I was actually quite happy about it. He was talking about going to therapy because he got dumped and giving me that tried and true "everybody feels that way" (which I know is well-meaning but just makes me feel like I have to PROVE that my issues are bad enough to actually need therapy) and I don't remember much else.

Except I was talking about how I think I have depression and how everything I've done and thought in my life has been informed by this depression and how I am finally admitting to needing therapy and dealing with depression because holy shit, I might just have a condition that is in the DSM complete with treatment plans and medications - a host of medications just in case the first couple fuck with my brain more than they help. So I was trying to convey that this is fucking awesome news and how much it represents a new stage in my life when I WON'T have internet fights at two in the morning or purposefully read VD bullshit or get hung up on women because they are unavailable and actually form healthy relationships (perhaps I am expecting too much out of therapy).

But all this moron heard was "DEPRESSION!!!!!!! I'm TOTALLY DEPRESSED!!!!!! Please tell me about how you had therapy last year and got dumped by your girlfriend! By the way DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I suppose it's too much to ask people to actually listen to you when you talk.
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Past, Future, you know [Feb. 12th, 2016|09:55 am]
Tim Lieder
So Predestination is one of those convoluted time travel movies full of twists that seem cool until you realize that they make no fucking sense whatsoever. Then to make things even more annoying, the description on the box gives away one of the major plot twists. And yet, it's also quite beautiful and that's all about the acting - particularly Sarah Snook as the broken transgender man who grew up fighting and didn't even know that he had both genders until he had a child and the doctors gave him a hysterectomy. Ethan Hawke is also great in it, but it's really Sarah Snook's movie - both as the ambitious young woman who has had to fight all of her life for everything including a space in a NASA like institute and as the New York writer - angry and bitter about his life and what he lost to get to that place. It's really quite brilliant and there's one scene that truly stands out for me, just personally in light of some developments.

here there be spoilersCollapse )
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maybe [Feb. 8th, 2016|03:21 pm]
Tim Lieder
Maybe acknowledging that my self-loathing requires people to actually remind me that I am worth their time and that they do want me around and that I would be missed if I died tomorrow is a step forward.

After all, it used to be that my self-loathing required support. I couldn't just hate myself. I had to chase after women guaranteed to reject me or date women guaranteed to be abusive. And the one emotionally healthy woman I dated - at least relatively speaking - left me feeling like I was not necessary in her life. I was just sort of her idiot boyfriend that couldn't give her much in terms of support - partially because she didn't need it as much as I did and mostly because I was so damn miserable for so long that it didn't matter.

But for a long time it's been all about rejection and outsourcing my self-hatred. What's that quote from Community? Let's stop relying on other people to hate ourselves and just stop hating ourselves?

Edit - it's "stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves" - (Dan Harmon writes it much better).

So now I think that I need people. I know I need people. And like the post-Chevi revelation, I need emotionally supportive people - not just girlfriends but friends too. I fuck up way too much on my own to ever pretend otherwise.
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And sometimes all you need... [Feb. 8th, 2016|01:54 pm]
Tim Lieder
Between where I am now and where I want to be there are places where I need to access, truths that I need to examine and places where I need to build and lessons that I need to forget. There are dreams that I need to kill and love songs that I need to remember. There are the simple things that I've been missing all of my life - emotional support, someone to tell me that everything is ok, the strength to be kind, to be compassionate, to help people without expecting anything in return.

I need friends. I need sarcastic and fucked up friends but I also need sane and normal friends - weird friends with happy childhoods and emotional maturity. I need to stop calling myself an asshole. I need to stop acting like I can only be one thing when I know that I can be many things. I have to understand that I am making a choice, but no choice lasts forever. If I choose to be a fucker one day, I can choose to be a mensch the next day or even hour. I am not just a guy swearing at people over the internet. I must understand that I am vulnerable and in need. I can't just be the funny asshole that no one really likes.

I need a friends to tell me that everything is ok, even when I'm wrong, they still like me. I might need them more than a normal person should but I spend so much time alienating others that I want to be reminded that shithead is not my default position.

I dreamed of a family with kids and a life partner who gets me and can still be crazy about me when she's angry at me and I can support. I dream about being the man that a woman wants to come home to - even as I know that many marriages are miserable. Even though I know that I'm not entirely capable of it yet, but I know I can be. I know that I don't have to be the sad lonely bastard who everyone feels sorry about because he never reached out and never really did anything that would matter to anyone.

But small steps - stumbles and falls - moving forward knowing where to go but knowing every spot. To not be lonely one must become the kind of person that others want around. That's it. No games. No pickup artist bullshit. No tricks.

Also no downgrading to the point of ridicule. So many times when I was with women - fuckbuddies, girlfriends, dirty little secrets, etc. - I would think "she likes me. What the fuck is wrong with her? Doesn't she know how awful I am?" And when they ended I could be comfortable in knowing that I had returned to the ooze.
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my headbugs [Feb. 7th, 2016|05:35 pm]
Tim Lieder
Ok. I know that I can't really diagnose myself with depression, but I strongly suspect that I have it and while I have talked about it as my dybbuk in previous posts, I might as well just call it my depression. On the other hand, I kind of like the metaphor of the dybbuk as a stand-in for either severe mental illness or those shitty self-defeating behaviors.

I am thinking about depression and dybbuks because having suddenly repeated that "Wow! You're really nice to me and TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE!!!!! That must mean that we are soul mates!" behavior after successfully clamping it down for years (ok there was the summer of 2014 but I could chalk that up as being really vulnerable because I had to take care of my mom and her hoarding and it was oddly comforting to end after a couple months), I realized that if I didn't take positive steps to deal with this behavior I would repeat it until I was alone and dead - eaten by cats.

I know it means that I need therapy. Finally I am going to get therapy. And hopefully I can get anti-depressants for it, because even though I've been working on myself for many years and coming to insights, I think that there is a great deal to be said for accepting limitations. And my limitations are such that I cannot just talk myself out of this behavior. I get that I have come a long way and that I could have been much further along with therapy but I don't know if therapy could have ever been the only way.

And this friend that is currently at risk of being turned into my reason for personal misery (or built up as the answer to all my problems) - well of course, I love her as a really good friend that I would give up an afternoon for if she needed - but I also know that I don't LOVE!!!!!! her no matter how much the depression/dybbuk/headbugs are telling me that's the case. I care about her. I know that she's got problems but I can't fix them. I have to fix myself. And to make things more complicated, she became my friend by reaching out to me - and actually liking me. I had come to believe that I was so thoroughly terrible that no one could ever feel affection for me or even think that I was someone that they wanted around.

So of course, that was a bright light shining into all the dirty corners. I am comparing this to cleaning my apartment. I can get used to all the dust and the grime and the useless shit just piling on all over the place. I have gotten used to it. But when you start to think about getting well and start taking steps, you see how your place could be clean and you also see how far away from that goal you still are.

Or maybe it's like Plato's Parable of the Cave.

Regardless, my dybbuk understands that this friend is someone that I particularly need right now - right at this moment - because I know that she cares about me. When she asks me if I'm all right, I don't doubt her sincerity. It doesn't seem like a "you're not going to hurt yourself, are you?" inquiry. And we can talk about anything.

So naturally my dybbuk (me, my depression) tries to drive her away. Declare undying love and scare the shit out of a woman - that's a trick that it's gotten quite accustomed to. I still don't know if the fact that we are not talking for a week is a good thing or a bad thing.

It's a necessary thing.

I don't know.

You see I need her as a friend. She makes me believe that I am worth keeping around and at my darkest moments, that's a rare thing indeed. But that need scares me so I act like she is the only woman I could ever love and spout all that shit at her. Because it scares me to be so thoroughly invested in one person's emotional support. Even if I know it's temporary, it's still a vulnerability that I don't want to acknowledge.

I need therapy. But until therapy really gets working, I need her way more than anyone should ever need anyone else. I know that as long as I'm honest with myself, this will transition into a nice supportive friendship where the hunger for emotional validation is not so overwhelming that it threatens to block out everything else, but I want that transition to happen NOW. Why can't I just snap my fingers and go "ok, all these irrational feelings are irrational so they can go the fuck away now." And can I really ask her to be patient? Can I say "please ignore me if I start declaring undying love again or acting like I'm trying to be adopted as your kid?" How much is she going to wait for me to figure my shit out when she ALSO needs to figure her own shit out? You can't really be completely emotionally honest and supportive to someone else if you are going through crap yourself, can you? You can be on a limited basis, but not completely.

You know of course, at the back of my brain there's the thought that says that in two years when we have both figured ourselves out, we could re-visit the topic of getting together. But that's a stupid thought and I need to kill it lest I allow it to cut me off from the rest of humanity - particularly from women that I could date and form healthy relationship with that aren't based on extreme neediness.

I suppose it's good that we took a break from daily talking - it was getting very intense - and now I can put it into perspective, but it still hurts. She's a really good friend. She is NOT my therapist. I am NOT paying her to help me sort myself out. But...I don't know. If only I could say the right thing to snap myself out of a cycle; where I stop hating myself so thoroughly that I depend on other people to tell me that I'm worthy - knowing that the happiness from that validation is temporary. I'm a mess.
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The Roosh V Shitheads [Feb. 4th, 2016|11:00 am]
Tim Lieder
It's so damn easy to be them. Miserable and stupid but this is what society offers up to men who are disappointed, depressed and afraid - some glib bullshit and a lot of channels for the anger that is boiling away with just a hint of depression. It's not even rejection since most of these guys have long ago stopped even trying to be rejected. The worst part is that remove a few shitty statements and they sound reasonable because we have all been conditioned to accept this horrible gendered relationship.

And I'm thinking this because I wake up missing someone and we are not talking this week. It all got too intimate - no, not intimate - too co-dependent. Way too much too soon and we decided together that we should stop being so prone to long talks. I don't know if that's a good idea. Right now, whatever this is that makes me so miserable in the morning that makes me want to not get out of bed because what the fuck is the point - is it depression and should I be self-diagnosing? Whatever makes me so needy all of the time is thinking that not talking for a week is a horrible time. I can't get over her by not talking to her. That only makes things worse. At least if we're talking there is a possibility that she will disappoint or I will get through it. But she's not my therapist. She's my friend and she's had more than enough stuff going on to deal with my endless need. I have other friends to tell me that I matter to them. I don't need to be reminded all the time. Yes, I do. No. I don't.

No. I can go weeks or even months without needing to know that I matter to someone, but ultimately I get these feelings like nothing ever works and I'm just bothering everyone.

But these assholes went down the other route. Forget about "I'm sorry for spewing all my feelings in public and I know it's not going to work out and that's ok so don't worry", they skipped straight to the hate. The hate is such an adolescent game too. So smug and so condescending and so so fucking wrong. Trying not to admit that you hate yourself takes effort and that effort is often used against others. If every time I did something shitty, whether I was acting out or just a piece of shit or miserable, would I have been tempted to like these guys? I remember my shitty behavior. Who doesn't? Ask a woman out and she says no thanks so I call her ugly and try to make her feel bad about herself. Call the same woman every day even though she's made it clear that this is no more than friendship in hopes that she will come around. Write many letters to a friend with even worse emotional problems that psychoanalyze her and demand she pay attention to me and hate on her boyfriend. Get my feelings hurt by a girlfriend and instead of just talking to her about it and going "that was pretty crappy what you said" or even just honestly admitting that she was dismissing something that I care about, I would write nasty emails. Even though I was going to see her that night. I haven't done shit like this for years, but I sure do have my guilt.

To do all that without guilt or to find a group of compatriots who are telling you that not only should you not feel guilty but that you were right the whole time and you should have been so much worse because that's the way the world works - I can see the temptation. I hate that I can see the temptation, which is why I suppose I hate these guys even more.
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