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Tim Lieder

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Another go. [Sep. 23rd, 2016|02:38 pm]
Tim Lieder
I have always liked Christmas, the presents, the tree, the family gathering. I still love the lights and the decorations and the snow. Christmas isn’t about Jesus. Christmas is about presents and retail stores and crass commercialism. Christmas is about Chinese food and movies. Christmas is about Santa Claus and weird elves who only make wooden toys. Christmas gave us Ebeneezer Scrooge, the Star Wars Holiday Special, at least two decent Doctor Who episodes and several Elvis records.
Yet, as much as I adore Christmas, I have to admit that it’s annoying. How many times can you hear someone bitch about commercialism? Do you really need to be ordered to have a merry Christmas? How soon before we see that meme that claims that if you hear Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa, you should just accept it lest you be considered a jerk? How many non-Jews get wished a Happy Hanukkah? Don’t forget that one friend from high school that you friended on Facebook who still believes in the War on Christmas.
Still, Christmas is a magical time when friends gather to watch zombies fucking and fathers tell their children heartwarming stories of murder.
“Santa Claus Dies” was originally published in Spinetinglers in December 2012. The presence of an evil teddy bear came from my perpetual disappointment with naming a short story collection Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre and not being able to include a killer teddy bear story. This was the first multi-author short story collection I ever edited and by the time I got it into print, I was just happy that it was finished.
“The Christmas Video” began as a short story for my creative writing class. I take perverse pride in how it offended everyone including the teacher who had been stressing freedom of expression. There’s a bit of an Aristocrats vibe to it, but ultimately it’s very heartwarming. It was first published in the Undead of Winter anthology, edited by Armand Rosamilia. It was also reprinted in Big Pulp, which was a great series of collections put out by Bill Olver.
This is the first publication of “The Man in the Red Suit,” which began as a tribute to E.T.A. Hoffmann’s “The Sandman” and became much grimmer. Even as Santa Claus provides a template for a children’s monster, true horrors are perpetuated by humans. “The Man in the Red Suit” has bothered me for years because even though it is one of my favorites, I can’t sell it. If it had been another story, I would have pulled it from circulation. I have often re-read a story that has failed to sell with a feeling of relief, knowing that I would have been embarrassed to see it out in the world. This particular story defies my harsh self-criticism. I am far from objective, but no matter how many times I print it out to edit, I cannot hate it enough to abandon it. In fact, I like it more every time I read it.
Final note - “The Man in the Red Suit” references Muslims as Mohammedans and Saracens and depicts Islamophobic characters. It is not and it should not be read as an endorsement of Islamophobia. If you want support in hating Muslims, go find your local twitter account or Trump supporter. Or just stop hating Muslims.
I'm almost proud of myself for not rehashing WHY I couldn't get a killer teddy bear story for TBCM. Then I remember that it was over 10 years ago and I should not take pride in not holding grudges for over a decade.
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Oh yeah. [Sep. 23rd, 2016|12:53 am]
Tim Lieder
Here is the cover to that collection. It's a public domain Santa Claus that I tweaked. It was originally the cover of a shopping catalog. I had to take the lettering off the hat and then make the hat look presentable. There was also a yellow background with children's faces but they didn't look creepy enough so I covered them up.

sugarplum2
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Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers Introduction [Sep. 23rd, 2016|12:49 am]
Tim Lieder
I just went over this a couple times. I really want to just put it up with the three short stories that I am going to self-publish (two are reprints. One is an original that no one fucking buys). But I know that I should ask for advice and a second set of eyes. So here it goes -
I have always liked Christmas. When I was a kid, I enjoyed the presents and the family gatherings. I still love the lights and the trees and the snow. Don’t believe that Christmas is about Jesus. Christmas is about presents and retail stores and crass commercialism. Christmas is about Chinese food and movies. Christmas is about Santa Claus and those weird elves and all those holiday specials. Christmas gave us Ebeneezer Scrooge, the Star Wars Holiday Special, one or two decent Doctor Who episodes and several Elvis records.
Yet, as much as I adore Christmas, I have to admit that it’s an annoying holiday. How many times can you hear someone bitch about commercialism? Do you really need to be ordered to have a merry Christmas? How soon before that meme that claims that if you hear Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa, you should just accept it lest you be considered a jerk shows up? How many non-Jews get wished a Happy Hanukkah? Don’t forget that one friend from high school that you friended on Facebook who won’t shut up about the War on Christmas.
In other words, I have to write about Christmas as a time when friends gather to watch pornography and fathers tell their children heartwarming tales of murder.
“Santa Claus Dies” was originally published in Spinetinglers in December 2012. The presence of an evil teddy bear came from my perpetual disappointment with naming a short story collection Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre and not being able to include a killer teddy bear story. This was the first multi-author short story collection I edited for Dybbuk Press and I really didn’t know what I was doing. By the time I got it into print, I was just happy that it was finished.
“The Christmas Video” began as a short story for my creative writing class. I take perverse pride in offending everyone in the class including the teacher who had been stressing freedom of expression. There’s a bit of an Aristocrats vibe to it, but ultimately it’s heartwarming. Ok, I think it’s heartwarming. It was first published in the Undead of Winter anthology, edited by Armand Rosamilia. It was also reprinted in Big Pulp, which was a great series of collections put out by Bill Olver.
This is the first publication of “The Man in the Red Suit,” which began as a tribute to E.T.A. Hoffmann’s “The Sandman” and became much grimmer. Even as Santa Claus provides a template for a children’s monster, true horrors are perpetuated by humans. “The Man in the Red Suit” has bothered me for years because even though it is one of my favorite stories, I can’t seem to sell it. With other stories that I can’t sell, I eventually pull them from circulation. Often I find that a story that I’ve been sending out for years has some serious issues that fill me with relief to know that it never saw publication. Only this story defies my normal disgust with my writing. I am far from objective, but no matter how many times I print it out and edit it, I cannot hate it enough to give up on it. In fact, I like it more every time I read it.
Final note - “The Man in the Red Suit” references Muslims as Mohammedans and Saracens and depicts Islamophobic characters. It is not and it should not be read as an endorsement of Islamophobia. If you want support in hating Muslims, go find your local twitter account or Trump supporter. Or just stop hating Muslims. And get off the alt-right or MRA message boards while you’re at it.
So does it flow well? Too smug? Too crass? Do I need that caveat at the end? I kept rewriting that one because I don't want to draw too much attention to the fact that it's a story about the Serbian genocide told from the perspective of a woman who sees it all as a fairy tale (because spoilers) but I have had editors mention that there are certain prejudices in the story that need to be explained as depiction, not endorsement. I even went so far as to apologize to anyone who would get offended - but then that sounded like "I'm sorry you can't read the story and get the point" and I don't want to be that douchebag. Of course, in the year of Trump, I am way more worried about someone reading the story and going "Yeah! Fuck the Muslims!" and while I want to say that if this is your attitude, please kill your Islamophobic self, I've used that line too many times.

So notes?
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Potential Client sounds like a disaster [Sep. 22nd, 2016|11:51 am]
Tim Lieder
Got an email from a client who wants to write articles to put on social media. Her first article is going to be about her experience as a juror. Only she wants to call me and then go back and forth with the editing. It just seems like a big headache and I don't even know if I could do it that way.

She also wants to talk on the phone. I really don't know if I can handle this client in the first place. She also just replied to the automated craigslist email address instead of my direct address. Oh well, I suppose I can ask a few more questions and maybe see where it goes.

Still this looks like the disaster. Oh well. I got time.
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Titles [Sep. 18th, 2016|01:48 pm]
Tim Lieder
So after years of trying to sell a story that I am quite fond of - too fond of to just throw back in the pile - I am self-publishing it with two other Xmas themed horror stories. I pretty much need to upload these to Kindle before October and since I have a collection of three stories, I want to title the whole thing instead of just putting up the titles to the stories (Santa Claus Dies, The Xmas Video, The Man in the Red Suit) especially since I kind of need an introduction (one of the reasons why no one is buying Man in the Red Suit was that I am referencing "Mohammedan invaders" and if someone else bought it I would let it stand, but since I'm putting it out myself, I kind of want to avoid Poe's Law problems and state that I am writing about characters who hate Muslims to the point of joining militias in order to murder them in Bosnia. I am NOT endorsing that behavior. I would like to think that's self-evident but we are living in the year of Trump and I just read a book about the Bacon Rebellion written in 1900 where the author had no irony in mind when she talked about how the heroic Bacon slaughtered Indian camps. That bitch even wrote gleefully about a couple of Bacon's followers kidnapping an old woman and forcing her to lead them to her companion and when they found out that she was leading them in the wrong direction beat her to death).

So yes, The Man in the Red Suit will be available on Kindle soon. And since I want people to read it I will make it free for a week and spend money to promote it (no more than $100, probably $50).

But I want to title these works, and this is what I came up with -
Horrors of Xmas
Xmas Horror Stories
Zombies Fucking and Other Xmas Tales
Bloody Xmas
Silent Night Deadly Night
Dancer and Prancer and Zombies
Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers
The Man in the Read Suit
His Breath will Smell of Milk and Hell will Follow
Fucked Up Christmas Stories
Xmas Tales to Delight and Astound
Merry Xmas Motherfucker
Santa Claus Bloody and Terrible
Blood Santa Claus
Santa Claus Dies and other Tales
Rudolph the Red Nosed Communist Bear
Black Xmas
Red xmas
Xmas Tales for Perverts
Xmas Tales for Disturbed Children
The Cold Time
Sorrow and Death and Xmas
Bloody Xmas Stories
Satan says Merry Xmas
Merry Xmas Shitheads
Xmas Time Deadly Time
The Demon who Rode in a Flying Sleigh –
His Face Bloody Red, His Breath Reeking of Sour Milk

The last two are from a sentence in Man in the Red Suit. I could shorten the one to "The Demon in the Flying Sleigh" but that seems a little generic. I like the last one but about half of the people I asked about it said that it was too wordy (although the hold out really loved it).

The rest seem pretty generic. I think that "Fucked Up Xmas Stories" was my first instinct but now it just seems like that (profanity) (Subject) cliche.
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Comedians [Sep. 17th, 2016|09:04 pm]
Tim Lieder
I am not altogether certain if I am writing this from a good place. I suspect that if I was more sure of myself, I could write one of those thinkpieces that your friends share on FB but not always because they like it, mostly along the lines of 'look what this sexist prick thinks' and I know that I am questioning the creative process and I could be wrong. I feel all kinds of wrong saying this (also see your prudish friend going "I'm not a prude but why do comedians have to be so dirty?")

I went to a comedy club a few weeks ago and without fail, every female comedian had to tell a story about fucking. I laughed appreciatively but I also wondered WHY I was laughing. It seemed more like I was appreciating the image of some guy going down on the comic more than I was appreciating the clever way she was telling the story. Were her jokes all that funny or was it just masturbatory fodder?

Am I just being judgmental? They might very well be telling the most personal stories in their arsenal. Certainly there was a point before Margaret Cho was pandering to the audience where her material was funny because it was personal and embarrassing. Yet, I felt like the comics were relying on sex in order to turn every straight guy and gay woman in the audience to their side. It felt like I was watching the equivalent of a Hooters waitress being very nice to the customers who were ordering curly fries.

Maybe that's on me. I guess I keep saying that.

So might as well say that I don't like hot female comedians who are mostly telling sex jokes because it seems like they are pandering to the audience and the audience's wish to think about the hot female comedians naked. That's not to say that hot female comedians can't be funny talking about sex but it just seems like they are going for the easy jokes, like when male comedians throw out sexist bullshit about their ex-wives.
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Fake Phone Numbers? [Sep. 16th, 2016|12:27 am]
Tim Lieder
So there were two nights when I got calls after midnight and several calls after midnight. Some fucker is giving away my number. The most puzzling one is from Bill Oman, aka my dad. But I got that call around the same time I was getting scam calls from places that google is telling me are attempts at stealing my information and the Trump campaign.

Today I got a series of calls from a number that is listed as Timothy Beal, only when I answered it was the silence and then "hello! Hello!" that you get when a telemarketer calls you. Of course, it's very possible that Timothy Beal is calling everyone who is friends with Brian Keene and has a automatic dialer so that the first person who picks up is going to get the voice. I also got calls from the Hillary Clinton campaign (also silent) and about three calls from a second number that is ALSO listed as my Dad.

So is someone copying numbers so they show up on my phone as those numbers? Or did everyone decide that one hour in the middle of the day was the hour to call me and call me repeatedly?

Either way I called up my Dad's number and sure enough it is his number. I said I was ok with talking to him but he needed to call at a decent hour. Of course, if he wasn't the one calling - like it was a fake number - then he would not know where to call me, but oh well. It's not like he has really been all that eager to get in touch with me before.

And if they were going to fake numbers, why wouldn't they fake my mom's number or a number in my contacts list like an ex-girlfriend. I probably wouldn't want to talk to the ex-girlfriend but I would definitely pick up from sheer confusion alone.
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So now Timothy Beal is calling my number [Sep. 15th, 2016|07:44 pm]
Tim Lieder
I really have to figure out how to get my number off of online. Anyhow Timothy Beal has decided to call it. How do I know, because I got repeated calls from 818-259-8375 and googled it.

That number belongs to a lot of California businesses including a locksmith company. But the main one it belongs to is Timothy Beal "talent agent" who wants to prove that he's not the psychotic stalker asshole that Brian Keene claims he is by - wait for it - stalking people. I know this because on Fred Williamson's website the contact information is given as
Anyone interested in booking Hammer for films, commercials, television projects or appearances –
Universal Talent Bookings, Agent –Timothy Beal – 818-259-8375 or
universaltalentbookings@gmail.com
So Fred Williamson if you are reading this, get an agent who isn't a fucking psycho. Seriously dude, you were great in From Dusk Til Dawn and your career really could use a few more roles. You deserve way better than this asshole.

Now to find out where my number is.

Sadly, most of the information about Beal comes from sites like http://www.ripoffreport.com/r/Timothy-Beal/nationwide/TIMOTHY-BEAL-Phony-Agent-Actor-Casting-Director-Producer-Spokesperson-WWE-Wrestler-a-1226362 which are basically just trying to hurt his feelings. I really don't see why an agent sleeping in his car is supposed to be a damning piece of information. Everyone has to hustle. And who gives a fuck if he has bad breath?

I just find the whole thought of this guy stalking everyone who even listens to anyone who criticizes him to be odious. Hell, he might be the greatest agent in the world (although the lack of movie roles for Fred Williamson suggests otherwise) but he has decided to go the thin-skin stalker route.
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In this edition of name and shame - Timothy Beal - [Sep. 13th, 2016|07:27 pm]
Tim Lieder
Apparently my friend Brian talked about Timothy Beal, a nobody who claims to be a talent agent, but spends all of his time harassing people online. Apparently everyone who liked Brian's podcast received messages from this guy. So today I got mine. And it is fucking long, just goes on forever. It's like Timothy Beal can't be bothered to write coherently. Nope. He has to go on and on. That's Timothy Beal, a guy who calls himself a talent agent but is really just crazy.

Anyhow, here is the tail end of it
William and Nick,
This from Stuart
‎ESCROW PROCESS (“Escrow Agent”) The escrow account will be with a
Florida Bar IOTA Trust Account established under the law firms name
utilizing the Florida Bar’s federal tax identification number. This
IOTA Trust Account is governed by the Florida Bar Association and
subject to their annual compliance certificate with Florida law.
Again we reinerate this is not our account, this is a third party
Escrow account .
If you guys don't understand something please take the time to ask
questions without assuming things .
A film Fund I work with was going to finance William's films . the process is a 20-80 financial deal. William's side would have had to deposit 20% of their Budget into a THIRD PARTY ESCROW ACCOUNT . NO ONE AT ANY TIME asked William for his Account Information. I wonder if William realizes , you used his name in a defamatory and slanderous type of way on your show? And if William did indeed tell you that I or anyone from my side ever asked him for his account information then he is a LIAR.
Lets see what else did you discuss? I have covered Sizemore, Nash, William, Melanie ,
MY CLIENT FRED THE HAMMER WILLIAMSON if you are really a glutton for punishment, click awayCollapse )
Tim Lieder
No. Everyone finds you tedious and shitty. We believe brian because isnt sending threats.
Timothy Beal
3:33pm
Timothy Beal
If you could actually read you illiterate bastard you would see what I sent you is not a threat
And no one of importance believes anything Brian says

Well I guess that sure showed me. Anyhow That was Timothy Beal, a charming man who really should not play around in the genre field.
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Mom's cat and Uncle Junior [Sep. 4th, 2016|02:06 am]
Tim Lieder
Uncle Junior is dead. That's sad, but I think he might have been in his 90s or at least late 80s and I only met him once at his birthday/wedding anniversary which was a great time because I realized that I kind of like my trashy family in many ways. But that was his 75th birthday so he was at least 87 (I go by the fact that I have been in New York for 12 years and I was living in MN at the time).

What's worse is my mom's cat is just laying there and Mom is worried. He hasn't been moving and he's listless, but he's a three year old cat and really active most of the time. This is Wiggles whom Mom found outside her apartment building with a family of cats. She took in Wiggles and his brother and tried to find homes for his mother and other two brothers. The brother kitten died (it was the runt) but Wiggles was healthy. And really sweet. Actually this is bothering me more than if one of my cats was sick because Wiggles was young - and looked like Hitler - but also reminds me of Socrates. I really don't know Wiggles that well but he's my mom's favorite cat and I really like him.

Ok, I'm just having memories to when Socrates died. But Socrates spent a few days being listless before I took him into the vet. Socrates worried me because he wasn't sleeping near my face. My other cats are not nearly as affectionate (needy) and so two of them might sleep in the same bed with me, but they aren't going to get ridiculous about it. They are going to wander when they want.

Socrates started sleeping on the floor and when I took him into the vet they found a mass on his lungs. And they wanted me to put him to sleep but I took him home to let him die here. They tried to convince me that I was being selfish for wanting another day with my cat but I wasn't hearing them. I am still happy I didn't put him to sleep and then buried him behind the local church (my friend was working as a receptionist - apparently there's a pet cemetery back there - unofficial of course).

So I guess I really like Wiggles and if he dies I am going to be wrecked for the week. I hope he's going to be ok, but I've never had a cat recover. Most of the time they just get worse. And he's only a kitten.

It's my mom's cat and she has another one. And maybe she can replace Wiggles. I think I was kind of hoping I could take Wiggles one day (which is really morbid since that basically means that I'm anticipating my mom dying so I can get her cats) and hoping that my mom lasted until at least a couple of my 4 cats died (they are all pretty old and Wilhemina reminds me of Mom in not being able to walk right and being really bitchy). So yeah, that's all morbid speculation.

Anyhow, I gave my mom my care credit account number so I am never paying that thing off now. And I just hope he just swallowed a string and that he's just a little sick, but it could be anything - leukemia, epilepsy, diabetes, cancer.

But shit, that's a great cat.

At least that resolved my notion of wanting to go out. I really didn't feel like being sociable after I called and found out that Wiggles was in distress.
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Troilus & Cressida [Jul. 25th, 2016|01:29 am]
Tim Lieder
The thing about Shakespeare plays that you don't realize unless you are watching one that you didn't study in high school or college is just how messy they all are. Characters die between acts. Big reveals seem really convoluted but also kind of work. Some plays give you a lot of mistaken identities while other plays give you one character who just leads you through all the mistaken identity plots in one speech that basically goes "well they all figured it out and everyone is fine." Exit pursued by a bear is a real stage direction and very rarely are there clear cut heroes and villains. You can kind of see it in the popular ones. Oh sure MacBeth seems to be going to towards a tragic end for the character and once all those prophecies start happening you just know that they will be fulfilled in the worst way possible, but it's still a shock to have MacBeth going "ok Banquo suspects so I'm going to send off the assassins." Hamlet gets called the play about the prince who could not make up his mind, but it really can also be the play about an existential hero that is stuck in the middle of a revenge play (similar to the Frederic Wertham warning that children who read comic books would not be able to appreciate REAL LITERATURE about a girl and a boy sitting on a swing talking about their hopes and dreams because they are expecting a muscle bound mutant to throw these character through a window). And even in the histories, the decision of a POV character is weird. Amidst all that talk about martial virtue and not letting dad down the Henry cycle decides to focus on Falstaff who just doesn't give a fuck.

But Troilus and Cressida is one of those plays that people don't learn in school and tend not to read on their own so it is even more striking as an odd play. There's a love story but it ends almost as soon as it begins and the rest is about the teen angst of Cressida being seduced in the Greek camp. There's an Iliad basis but nothing seems to work in the same way as the Iliad since Ulysses is the main villain and the one who is driving Achilles into battle (in the play I saw Ulysses also outright kills Patroclus, thus making full use of the fact that the actor played the villain in Ant Man). There also seems to be a relief in the play towards the end that Shakespeare can just do the standard Iliad with some variations and just leave us with Troilus and then Cressida's uncle making speeches over the dead body of Hector.

Oddly enough even though I was mostly unfamiliar with the play before tonight, I think that a lot of it informed my reading of The Iliad, at least by high school, as if my high school English teacher was influenced by Shakespeare's interpretations and I pretty much agreed with her (she was a cool teacher) even when I read it and did papers about how Achilles is really showing the virtues of his society and that he is the hero who is terribly emotional. So would I have thought of Achilles as a petulant child, Odysseus/Ulysses as a scheming sonofabitch, Achilles and Patroclus as lovers or Hector as the truly sympathetic hero of the Iliad because he is the only one fighting for his family while everyone else is going for glory and cuckolds.

The first act of tonight's play was where all the new stuff seems to be integrated. We have Troilus and Cressida being set up by her uncle (who keeps them apart even though they are crazy for each other) and then they actually fuck - like there's no coy innuendo about it - only to see Cressida being carried off by the Greeks. Paris and Hector argue over Helen and there's a great deal of ambivalence with finally a strain of "fuck it, she's ours now" with Helen's one scene being played as if she is a barely coherent drunk prisoner who is watched constantly and barely keeps up her front as a happy love-struck wife. The Greek material was done with Ulysses being the only person who knew what was going on and Achilles as the happy gay bruiser who is induced into battle before Patroclus' death by his own ego and the fact that no one is asking him to join the fighting.

The second act is where things get weird and where I wish that they had not gone full modern dress. Maybe if they had gone Genesis of the Daleks war where everyone was running out of weapons it might have worked but as it stood, I couldn't reconcile the scenes where people stop to have an MMA fight, make temporary peace and then go into battle and talk throughout while firing guns. As the Nerdwriter video on Game of Thrones being stuck in the feudal ages because of dragons pointed out, cannons really changed warfare. You can't hide behind city walls if there are people outside with cannons who can destroy those walls. So everyone shooting each other makes little sense. Also it really doesn't matter how good of a fighter you are at hand-to-hand, that's not an advantage when you are shooting at each other. Although this kind of worked in one place where Achilles has his men kill Hector instead of killing him himself (as in the play). The love story that you think is going to be central dies a very ignoble death as Cressida cheats on Troilus with Diomedes - or strongly considers cheating on him to the point of giving him Troilus' gifts. And then breaks it off with Troilus almost a day after she saw him last.

And then we are on solid footing with the battles and they go mostly where the Iliad has them go. Ulysses kills Patroclus in order to get Achilles into the battle (a staging decision) and Achilles uses all his men to kill Hector. Hector tries to be fair and let people get away but then kills a guy outright and gets sick (fake vomit fyi) and talks about how he's tired of battle, which leaves him open to dying. Troilus tells everyone that they are fucked and then Pandorus gives the final monologue where he says taht everything is terrible and he will give the audience his plague.

So what else? I don't know really. Shakespeare certainly has an influential take on the Iliad and even Troilus who I was expecting to die at any moment towards the end - especially when he's fighting with Diomedes but gets one of the two big speeches. John Glover was great as Pandorus who seemed like he was going to have a bigger part but did not. Actually no one has that big of a part in the play. Maybe Achilles and Hector but they were always going to be the major players. Ulysses is definitely a major part and an actor's dream part but he spends a lot of time off to the side.

Regardless it was so much better than taming of the shrew.
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Pandering Misogynist Bullshit and The Taming of the Shrew, directed by Phyllida Lloyd [Jun. 14th, 2016|04:35 am]
Tim Lieder
When I found my friends after Taming of the Shrew, I said "that was crap" and Chanan said "THANK YOU" and thus we had the most fun possible from watching the Public Theater insult the fuck out of an audience for almost two hours - discussing our complete and utter hatred for a production of a play that probably should have been forgotten centuries ago. Oh sure, our friend Chaim attempted to rein us in with his weak defenses of the production (which sounded like he was trying to praise a high school play instead of a professional production with professional actresses and a Tony Award winning director). But we were not listening to Chaim and it was one of those times when no one should listen to Chaim (the most recent time was Chaim's defense of Golan as being unfairly targeted by the health inspectors because you know that health inspectors are so fickle).

In the production there were three moments which were so egregiously offensive that the mediocre tedium gave way to teeth-grinding disgust. First, the production opened with a beauty pageant narrated by a Donald Trump imitator. Second, the wedding speech is replaced by one of the actresses coming out to make a speech (as a Joe Pesci imitating man) about how horrible it is that women are in charge. Third, there's a dance-off to "Bad Reputation" at the end of the play that suggests what the play could have been.

See the pattern? In all cases, there's this pandering smug manner that assumes that the audience is going to laugh. Oh look, we are making fun of Donald Trump! Aren't we just so edgy? Isn't it so amazing that we can still mock a man who is quickly becoming as scary as Hitler? By that same token, why not decry how much women in power is scary to horribly stereotypical men? Because sexism is always so easy to spot and doesn't take a million different forms including rape culture and constant belittling of women by men and women who think that they are being totally gender neutral. They just tend to notice every one of Hillary's faults while completely ignoring Sanders' idiocy. Did Hillary just get the nomination? Well, she must have stolen the election - and don't you dare call her critics sexists for their obsession. And then we get that dance off that makes it look like we were just watching something edgy and cool instead of a tired pandering version of Taming of the Shrew that exaggerated everything to the point of making the play even more sexist.

And how is this production even more misogynist than most? Well Katherine does nothing but scream all the way through. She even screams after she gives over that terrible speech at the end and gets tossed in a pit. So I guess that means that we weren't watching a comedy after all? But no, we really are watching a comedy because all of the male characters are swaggering assholes. Because that's how men are supposed to behave and that's the only way they would behave (file this under 'why men need feminism')

To make matters that much worse, Petrucchio is not only a bad Keith Richards impression but also a character who is never wrong. There's one moment where Katherine decides to go along with Petrucchio's bullshit gaslighting and he gives the servant a look like he can't believe it's working. That scene is unearned because there is absolutely nothing between these characters but torture and starvation. And Petrucchio is also driving a trailer and dirty the entire play so again we get the class jokes - like haha poor people are stupid! Remember to donate to our theater company, Upper West Side audiences.

Of course, it's really hard to get around Taming of the Shrew. At heart, it's about a man who buys a woman from her father, tortures her and gets her to do everything he says to the point where she lets herself be gaslighted and gives a speech that could come out of The ISIS Marriage Handbook, but there are some ways to get around the horribleness of the play. Bring back the drunk guy. Given Katherine and Petrucchio some fucking chemistry so that they are into it. Make the players interesting and funny. Anything but whatever the fuck the Public Theater was doing which seems to be claiming feminist credentials by vomiting up the most misogynist version of a misogynist play possible.

I can't wait to see this applied to Merchant of Venice - all Jewish cast, but with everyone dressed like Nazis and laughing gleefully as Shylock converts to Xianity with the knowledge that it won't save him from the gas chambers. And then at the end everyone can dance to "Hava Negila" in order to prove that they were really being pro-Jewish all along.
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Can you really make a decent version of Taming of the Shrew? [Jun. 5th, 2016|03:19 am]
Tim Lieder
I have to write about the Public Theater's version of Taming of the Shrew which was all women cast and actually used that casting decision as an excuse to make the play even more misogynist than it already was, but first I am wondering if it is even possible to make a decent version of Taming of the Shrew.

In my high school, they did a production where everything was pretty straightforward. This meant that the actress playing Kate was the strongest and most powerful actress in the school and still had to do that really dumb speech at the end. My friend Joe turned to me and pumped his fist in happy excitement at that speech and my 10th grade English teacher spent almost the entire next class period apologizing for taking us out of class to see that thing.

In college, the pretentious director did a version of the play. He was a nice guy but also very weird. I auditioned for the role and most of the audition involved feeling up an imaginary box. I didn't get in, but the production had a lot of rope tricks. Also Kate kept seeing visions of the degrading lives of women when the lights turned blue and Petruchio had an entire household full of people doing rope tricks and the like, making it seem like it was a kung fu school. As dumb as this production was (this director, man, he had original ideas but they never seemed to work for the plays), it did attempt to make Kate and Petrucchio equals and co-conspirators.

There are some writers who claim that they are in a BDSM relationship and sure, that might work, but the staging has to do it.

And then there is the Public Theater version in Central Park where there is really no pretense that Petrucchio is torturing Katherine. In this version, they try to rub the audience's faces in the misogyny while throwing in a beauty pageant complete with a Trump voice-over and one very pandering speech to talk about how horrible it is that women are running things now. It's like they were going "Ha! This play is sexist and you are watching a sexist play, but as long as we throw bullshit at you, you will be laughing at the fact that others think this play is great!" It even ended with Katherine screaming and being tossed into a pit while everyone else danced to "Bad Reputation" which is kind of the attitude you wanted the whole play to have - but did not.

But I still wonder if it's just a shitty play. Shakespeare wrote shitty plays. Henry VI, part 1 comes to mind as does Henry VIII which doesn't have a fucking plot. And he wrote beautifully about relationships between men and women both true and cynical and romantic. So why the fuck do we keep seeing revivals of this play where a poor woman gets tortured into accepting her fate to the point where she seems brainwashed?

I also find it odd that in both the Moonlighting episode and 10 Things I Hate About You, there is an actual subversion of the text and the main couple accepts each other. Hell, maybe Heath Ledger doing karaoke in an embarrassing way works.

But can you subvert the play in the same way? seems like only one production I've seen has even made the attempt.
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I don't write graphic novels [May. 1st, 2016|11:16 pm]
Tim Lieder
A friend told me that he mentioned me to his second grade class as an example of someone who had a bad time in middle school and high school (See! I am totally insecure and an emotional wreck from being rejected - it's confirmed) and how I was brilliant and wrote great things and wrote graphic novels. And then he explained what graphic novels were.

Which would be great if I ever wrote graphic novels. Oh sure, I wrote a script to a comic book in an effort to adapt my one book into one - but then that company stopped publishing comic books and just fucked around giving art classes. I haven't heard from those guys in years.

What is so bothersome about this is the fact that my life is way cooler in the minds of my old friends than it really is. No, actually what is really fucking annoying is that they are impressed with the notion that I make a living as a writing without having ever read anything that I wrote or publish. Hell, some people even think that I publish graphic novels.

I suppose I should be more interested in the whole notion that I am an example of someone who has a shitty time of it in middle school and high school and someone that people feel guilty about (even people who have no reason to be) but by that time I was eager to get the fuck out and move on with my life. So I wasn't really in that zone. There was always a foot out the door.
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Memorial for a Friend that stopped being a friend [May. 1st, 2016|10:37 pm]
Tim Lieder
I am remembering an LJ friend who is now dead. His name was myrch and years back I saw that he had died. By that time we had stopped talking and what was odd was the fact that I wasn't the asshole. I tend to come off as an aggressive jerk, especially when I get stubborn about being right. Try to tell me that GMOs are evil or that homeopathy is a welcome antidote to Big Pharma and I can be merciless. Other times, I am just frustrated and bored with being in the same room with frustrating and boring people. I can hear myself speaking and I want to outright tell myself to shut the fuck up and stop being so cranky - this happened on Thursday night when I was at a table full of dudes who were talking about (mostly in a negative sense) about their yeshiva experience. I even ended up next to a guy who loudly imitated the rabbis who were very much against iphones and social media. He thought he was hilarious and I get the feeling that no one has ever told him that he's fucking boring in his life (he is very good looking - I can appreciate the fact - but the problem with being good looking is the same as the problem with being rich or famous. Everyone acts like you are fascinating and intelligent and witty when they aren't listening to you).

I don't want to be an asshole. I do come off like one. I act like one, but in the most honest and brutal self-evaluation, I have to say that I am still just as insecure as I was in grade school when no one seemed to like me because I dressed funny and ate my crayons and never combed my hair (although I did not know that these were the reasons at the time). I still crave affection and acceptance and it comes so infrequently that I have built up walls of aggression and strategies of coping with people - such as coming on really strong in order to weed out the people who won't like me over the long term. So it's a game of Love Me or Hate Me I don't care. I do care, but I guess it just makes more sense to put it all out there like that.

There is something else that is bothering me, but I think if I start talking about it I won't stop. There's a friend that I am disgusted with who reluctantly and snidely claimed that he was not going to continue his behavior, but there was no apology and a lot of defensiveness for what he did.

But back to myrch - Myrch was one of those really funny people on LJ that I loved to interact with. We could keep a thread going for days and it was never bitter or angry. It was fun and we one-upped each other. Kind of like when the AV Club would post a particularly great story and everyone would pile on with the puns and the satirical jokes. I remember a fairly long thread that began with an x-rated interpretation of Aretha Franklin's Freeway of Love.

And then I asked him to join Weirdjews2. So strange that this group once mattered so much. I was put in the group on FB that is basically the WJ or WJ2 and I had absolutely no interest. But once I loved that group and I kept trying to make it grow (I also started it after breaking away from Weirdjews). I made mistakes. I should not have announced that I kicked out one member publicly (she had been trolling) especially since she got kicked out of Weird Jews so many years ago which prompted me to finally start Weird Jews 2. I should not have defended another member as the token rightwinger - especially since my friends that I made through it hated him - and I knew that he was bad news and a hypocrite - so eager to condemn anyone outside his group, so eager to defend his group.

But asking Myrch to join was a problem because Myrch saw another member and started with a fat joke - not even a joke - just a nasty remark about this guy's weight. This guy just posted about his diabetes on FB and that's what reminds me of this (but the emotional resonance comes from somewhere else). Anyhow when challenged, Myrch just kept going and doubled down. He talked about how obesity was a health crisis and how he had a right to criticize. I didn't see much of it, I was just shocked that someone I considered a friend was being so egregiously nasty to someone else, someone who I did not even know so well.

So I asked Myrch not to be an asshole on my group - I asked on his LJ comments. He unfriended me which I think might be something different on LJ. We never talked again.

I really wish that I could have re-connected with him. I thought that there was time. But that ended. I don't know if I ever knew him. My interactions were 99% and 1% that last time when he suddenly grew toxic. But that last 1% was the end. In a friend's memorial she said that he was always kind and never judgmental and that's how I would have loved to have remembered him.

I guess I am thinking about another friend who is turning out to be quite toxic.
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So how did I fuck up today's plan [Apr. 27th, 2016|01:25 am]
Tim Lieder
Today's plan was simple and exciting. I was going to write some fiction, finish a paper and then go out to the Prince Memorial Dance party tonight. So I got up at noon. I took a bath and then I thought that since I was going to go out, I would make food because it's Pesach and most of the restaurants aren't opened for Pesach. And then I made a lot of meat which weighed me down.

And then instead of writing fiction, I sat down and wrote the paper. Only I wasn't in the mood to write the paper. I was in the mood to go on Facebook and see what was going on. Oh sure, I did get some amusement from the Hugo Awards and the Puppy strategy of nominating popular works on their slates in order to declare bogus victory while they sneak a whole lot of bullshit into the related works category (including Marion Zimmer Bradley's daughter blaming homosexuality for child molestation because her experience as the daughter of child molesters - one alleged and one convicted - gives her the perspective to hate on everything her parents believed). Of course, they also got My Little Pony and Chuck Tingle's latest dinosaur fuck story on the ballot.

So I guess this means Vox Day is out of the closet? Sorry homosexuals of the world. You get him now.

And then I worked on the paper. And it was an easy paper but I kept getting distracted. Actually I knew it was an easy paper so I just kept distracting myself. I went on youtube. I went back on Facebook. I ate some more of the meat that I made this morning. The plan of eating a salad and then some meat cooked with vegetables and spend the rest of the day eating fruit was fucked. Now I feel like a rock is in my stomach and I don't really want to take more laxative because the poop explosions are almost as bad as the Pesach constipation.

And it got humid in my apartment. I liked how my belt felt when I put it on. But now it feels tight, because I sat on my couch all day and distracted myself from writing a paper that was fairly easy.

I also had idle day dreams of getting out of my house.

By the time I called my mom I was grumpy as hell. A second cousin was just taken to the hospital because he fell and knocked himself out and lost a lot of blood and that's worrisome. But then she again asked me to repeat myself three times and I got frustrated and that was the end of that conversation.

Tomorrow I am going to go out. I might see Purple Rain at the 2nd Avenue movie theater. I am definitely going to get over to Brooklyn for that dance party that follows their Purple Rain show.

I am also sweating. I really should just give this long sleeve Borg t-shirt to the goodwill. It is too tight and it makes me sweat. It's too hot for Spring and Summer. In the Fall and Winter it's a fucking t-shirt.

I also watched Grimm and Battlestar Galactica. It's after one in the morning and now Red Dawn is on - the original one that is funny as hell. Love that Harry Dean Stanton goes "I was hard on you. And now you know why," as if he was prescient in knowing that his sons would totally be Colorado mujahadeen against the invading Soviets. Good thing they invaded. Else he would have just been an abusive prick.

This day was fucked.
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I need to read more on gender fluid, etc. - I don't quite get it yet (and please no explanations) [Apr. 8th, 2016|12:54 am]
Tim Lieder
So I have to admit that I've been transphobic in the past and I still probably have some transphobia clinging to the brain right now. And I don't know everything. Yes, I actually admit to that.

Two terms that are currently bothering me because I feel many urges to dismiss them often due to the people who claim to be described by them are demisexual and gender fluidity - and I think for the same reason - or for similar reasons.

Whenever I hear or read either term there is part of me that starts thinking "Oh well someone on Tumblr wants to feel special" and in the snottiest voice possible. My internal monologue is a real bitch sometimes. And there are some pretty horrible self-involved people whom I have seen identify these ways. There are also perfectly nice people identifying these ways. And even if I only knew of horrible people identifying as either gender queer or demisexual, I should not be so dismissive. I'm an adult already and I should not be having these difficulties with accepting people for their own identities. Unless of course, they think that they are fairies or unicorns then no. Not gonna happen. But of course, it always seems like one sad teenager in Hoboken identifies herself as an otherkin and everyone else is doing it to throw shit at transgender people.

So back to homophobia and transphobia. In both cases, my initial reaction was "Yuck. That's totally outside my frame of reference and it scares me," only not in so many words obviously - especially not with the admission that I was scared or anxious about anything of the kind. But the very fact that homosexuality and transgender were things that were far removed from my perspective meant that I could also accept that these were people who were wired certain ways just like my brain worked a certain way and so I could push past my initial "you put what in your mouth?" reaction to get that yes, some people were born with gender and sex not agreeing and needed to fix that and other people found same sex fucking fun and opposite sex disgusting in the same way I felt about the opposite activities.

And yeah, bisexuals feel like they are being erased in these conversations. And that's kind of true.

But with gender fluid and demisexual, these things seem to be normal or pretty close to normal and by normal I am talking about the majority opinion. I suppose demisexuals not getting that anyone that they are not in a committed relationship are necessarily sexy or hot does make it different than the run-of-the-mill explanation which often seems to come from porn - like "I don't want to fuck everyone I see" which is true for everyone. Also, I think that demisexual is a tough one to accept as part of the LGBT world or even as a subset of asexuality (which it is) just because for centuries rabbis, priests and imams have been telling humanity that this is the way that they SHOULD view sexuality (ok priests are fucked up but even them) and supported by several love odes that don't necessarily involve knights running off with young wives. You are supposed to only want to fuck one person all of your life and you should not have a problem with thinking about outside relationships.

But then again, that's not really something that seems achievable to most - so maybe by confirming to this limitation demisexuals are truly rare.

Is scarcity the rubric by which I'm judging these people? Am I treating people who say "I'm gender fluid" or "I'm demisexual" in the same way I would treat people who claim to be chocoholics or daily masturbators? I suppose if someone tried to claim that loving chocolate or masturbation placed them in a segment of the population that was actively discriminated against or that people just didn't understand how integral chocolate or masturbation was to their lives, I probably would have no problem snorting derisively.

And so gender fluid also seems like something I should be accepting but yet it seems like it's just not really - I don't know. I might be misinterpreting it. Or I might be dismissing it in the same douchey way someone gets dismissed when they talk about their mental illness with "everybody feels that way."

So I guess I don't get gender fluidity and yet it's too familiar not to think/feel that I actually get it. Who the fuck confirms to their gender role? How do we separate the gender fluid identity from the conversation about how gender roles are artificially imposed and no one gender has a monopoly on farting, drinking beer, wanting to look pretty, crying at movies, being ambitious, etc.?

I suppose the main thing that I am doing here is going "well lots of people feel that way" when no, lots of people don't feel that way. I definitely shouldn't be doing that though. And I am trying not to do it.
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The Mental Illness Stigma - Politics [Mar. 21st, 2016|06:17 pm]
Tim Lieder
Mostly I still think that the worst part about the mental illness stigma is the fact that people who could be getting help are not getting help. Alcoholism took years and decades to get to a place where alcoholics have a network in place to encourage them to deal with the fact that they have a problem. And of course, many alcoholics still need to get to that place where they can admit that they have a problem (life hack tip for terrible people - if you are dating a non-recovering alcoholic and you don't want to deal with the mess of a breakup that could lead to reconciliation then just confront her about her habit of drinking every day and call her an alcoholic. Of course, by the end of that argument about how you're not a social worker or a drug counselor so what the fuck would you know and if you keep running your mouth she is going to sue you for defamation or libel, you will probably wish that you had just said "this isn't working out" and left it at that). But for mental illness, it's all about being crazy or mad - mad mad they called me mad - I will show them!!!!

And then we get to politics. And how often shitty and evil rulers are called crazy or society gone mad. Oh sure, there are a lot of sociopaths in politics and Charles Manson was not exactly the paradigm of mental health. And we all like to sit around telling stories of Idi Amin. But for the most part, we still can't use the term evil outside of a religious context so it seems weird to call someone evil. Instead we call serial killers cowards and genocidal dictators crazy. But for many of these genocidal dictators there has been a very clear and rational program in place. It's just fucking evil.

I was thinking of this because someone called Donald Trump mentally ill. I guess they wanted to say crazy but figured why not be polite? Of course, I don't know if Trump is mentally ill unless Affluenza has made it into the DSM without my knowledge. Trump is a shitty human being who has gotten everything he ever wanted and continues to get everything he ever wanted. And like many of his ilk, he has never had anyone seriously tell him that he couldn't do anything. So unlike the rest of us plebs, he probably has not had a moment of serious self-doubt or self-evaluation in his life.

He might also be mentally ill, but he's an asshole first and foremost.

Still this reminds me of Richard Nixon finding information about McGovern's running mate being under treatment for depression and making that public so that McGovern was forced to change running mates which seriously undercut McGovern's ability to win any states. Of course, Nixon did not have to do anything and he would have won. McGovern was too leftwing for most Democrats and forget about the undecideds. The Republican party was riding high. The Democratic party was fractured with the Dixiecrats abandoning it in droves and being replaced by hippies (many of whom would turn to Reagan by 1984 - so thanks assholes). But that's Nixon.

Still the main president who actually had mental illness - like Depression - and it seems like his Depression was not something that was being very well hidden even before he took office - was Abraham Fucking Lincoln.

And yeah, it was pretty crazy to run on a platform of ending slavery and then to pass the Emancipation Proclamation in the middle of the war that the South had started for the precise reason of preserving slavery (or ethics in game journalism) but there was the possibility that the South could have delayed the end of slavery for decades if they hadn't rebelled. So haha fuck those guys. But that's not the point.

In the 20th century, we also got Winston Churchill who was a bit of a motherfucker but he was the motherfucker who rallied England around the cause of beating Hitler.

The point is that calling politicians mentally ill is a shitty thing to use as an insult and what makes it even worse is the fact that it's not necessarily borne out by leaders. Sure, no one wants a Caligula who was utterly schizophrenic and maybe bipolar, but mental illness does not disqualify so we should stop acting like it.
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worried abotu someone that I don't know in RL - and I'm more of a fan than a friend even online. [Mar. 15th, 2016|01:33 pm]
Tim Lieder
Nathan Rabin's last post on Twitter and FB was "I am happy. That is all." which sounds nice but he hasn't posted since then. And he has depression. In fact he's been pretty open about struggling with depression. So I am kind of doing what I was annoyed with other people for doing when I was talking about maybe having depression and that is to worry. Because when a depressive says "I am happy" yes, they could be happy. Or it could be a suicide note.

And as little as I know Rabin in real life, I am a fan and I do like him and I really don't want him to kill himself. I know. That sounds weird.

Ok, I should focus on my problems. One of the things I said in therapy which was a reminder was the fact that I was so focused on fixing Chevi that I ignored what her behavior was doing to me. And I am repeating a relationship that was imprinted on me from an early age when my mom would say evil shit like "we only have each other" as if I was supposed to be responsible for her for the rest of my life when I was like 10. I knew it was bullshit then, but I have not been very good at forging relationships that move beyond that parasitic need model.

And what's nice is the fact that my mom is no longer expecting me to call her every day. I totally missed calling her on Sunday and she didn't notice. I called her last night and she hung up on me to watch The Bachelor. So I guess her volunteer (who is also a psychologist) has been helping her.

But I do want to feel needed. I guess wanting to feel needed in a healthy way and NEEDING to feel needed is the difference. Helping a friend get home when she has had too many and holding her hair back when she pukes is great for the feeling of being needed - but wanting that to happen all the time to the point that I don't feel good about myself if said friend is perfectly fine is stupid. Also cultivating friends who ALWAYS get so damn drunk that they are falling all over themselves is a poor solution. Because then I'm just playing white knight.

Also the friend that I'm not talking to - a great deal of the relationship was about her troubles and me feeling like a big hero for listening to her when she needed it. I didn't want it to be like that, but it's hard to change behavior and brain wiring even when you know it's like that.

I say all this to admit to myself that there is really nothing I can do about someone who is somewhere between stranger and online friend (but not a close one) if he is in trouble beyond expressing concern. And the main person that I need to take care of is me.
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that friend and her corrupting influence [Mar. 13th, 2016|05:47 pm]
Tim Lieder
So like I said before, I am not talking to a friend of mine and while she had reasons that we should probably discuss when we are talking again (or if we are ever going to talk again), I think that the main one and I think we agreed on it was that I was just too exhausting for her. I basically threw out all emotional neediness and vulnerability at her at once and then said "Hey! Look at all this emotional bullshit! YOU deal with it! Also, I'm totally in love with you so if you set limits I am going to be crushed! So no pressure. No pressure. I know you are dealing with a ton of shit, but I am just going to bury you in mine while you're at it."

But the flip side of this friendship is that it was pretty sexual - sadly not literally so much as conversationally - and well that was fun. That was really fun. So fun that the main trigger that made me miss her last week - there were a lot but this was the big one - was seeing a porno with a woman that looked like her, even had her glasses, sucking a dude off until he came in her face. And it made me sad that I couldn't send her the porn clip and go "so I am pretty sure that this is not you, but is it? Seriously, it's totally hot if it is you." (the porn actress's name who seems like she's amateur based on the scarcity of clips is Bunnybutt - I am not sure if that is the actual name she is trying to go by or if that's just the titles)

And this was probably the place we should have stayed at. Just perverts telling each other our sex stories and sharing porn clips and giving each other masturbation material. You get so few friends that you can talk like that with. Hell, one of my favorite romantic story fuckups is the one where I ended up in a three-way in which I learned 1. I'm probably not bisexual, 2. how to lick pussy and 3. I am totally going to put The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" in the nostalgia place next to smoking pot and learning how to go down on a woman. (the other detail of the evening was that poor Mike wanted to get in on it, but after making out with him for a time, I realized that I wasn't bi and neither Maggie nor Joel were all that into him either. So he jerked off and went out to buy drugs and we never saw him again that night. I remember this detail more now because it was Mike's apartment. Like Mike's party turned into an orgy and the three people who remained were pretty much "nah Mike, we're kicking you out" - I mean we weren't nasty about it or anything).

And that story (which I have not told for a long time) basically ended with me writing a love letter to Maggie and the part where I was talking about jerking off to her all the time - NOT APPRECIATED. In fact, she was utterly disgusted with me and would not even accept my apology. And of course, I was devastated because I did not mean to disgust her.

The analogy I came up with at the time was the cat whose main love token is dead mice.

But this story is in contrast to my friend from New Jersey who LOVED it when I talked about masturbating. She would tell me her stories and I would go "ok, I gotta jerk off now" and she thought that was hot.

I note the irony of how of all the things in our friendship that were uncomfortable and creepy and just not good communication, the creepy nasty sex talk was NOT in that category. Hell, the nasty sex talk was probably the main reason why she didn't cut me off earlier.

And so why am I thinking about this? Because now that I remember how much I like to talk about fucking in all of its varieties and how much I usually don't have a filter, I am a little wary of my behavior around people who are NOT my friend from New Jersey. And since I can't talk to my friend from New Jersey about every nasty perverted thing in my head, I hear it slipping out (that's what she said - sorry) when I am talking to other friends. Hell, I even hit on a friend and a boyfriend at last night's party, totally in that "Well I don't think I'm bisexual but why don't we have a threeway because if I have to suck dick to fuck you, ok cool" - and I am not sure if this can be completely chalked up to being really drunk at 3 in the morning. I am just grateful that another friend got so damn drunk that she was barely able to stand and so I had a good reason to leave the party (me and two other guys) so that I didn't just hang out and hear myself get steadily more creepy - to the point where the whole "yeah, Tim is being drunk and trying to shock" portion of the evening gave way to "let's never talk to creepy Tim again".

By the way, at the time, my favorite detail in that three way story was the fact that my mom read the letters that I wrote describing it and for the first time I felt like I had gotten some much needed revenge for the fact that the woman had no problem reading my mail.

Also I was trying to be Henry Miller at the time. But who wasn't trying to be Henry Miller in college?

So yeah, right now the problem is moving beyond "My ONLY emotional outlet is gone!!! Whatever am I going to do?" and morphing into the relatively less terrifying but probably needs addressing really fast problem of "who do I get to be all perverted with?" - which means I must get out there and date.
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