Tim Lieder (marlowe1) wrote,

Well I guess Mom is actually sick

She went to the emergency room and she's staying in the hospital for a couple of days. Seems like she has some blood pressure issues and a urinary tract infection. They are running tests. Looked up some of the symptoms and it seems like the worst case scenario is a kidney infection which is completely treatable with antibiotics and fluids, but it's still worrisome. She did wait a bit to actually go to the doctor and last week she was having trouble walking. Even fell in the waiting room.

But right now it's wait and see. I'm not too worried. Most of it seems pretty normal.

Of course, there is the issue of the fact that I don't really have much of a social life. I mean I go to shul every Shabbos and I have my friends. I have people that I like to hang out with, but nothing regular. The main regular thing I have is the fact that I call my mom every day and even though she never talks about anything I want to talk about, it's still something that I have grown accustomed to. I am saying this on a day when I am overwhelmed with work and I'm not going to get any damn sleep tonight. So my interaction with friends is not even happening.

I guess this is making me think of how solitary my life has gotten. I know that Mom is not going to be around forever and she's lived longer than grandmother (but grandmother had a 2 pack a day smoking habit) and right now, I have no real emotional support. I haven't had a girlfriend since Chevi. Hell, I haven't even been on a date since summer and that was a coffee date. Over 1000 friends on Facebook and there is just no one that I think I can call if the shit hits the fan. I feel more emotional healthy than I did 10 years ago, but I want to be emotionally healthy with someone in my life that I can share it with. I remember being with Nanda and always depending on her. I had way too many nights when I just felt depressed and useless.

It seems like the easy friendships of just hanging out with friends are not something that I'm capable of. I always have to make an effort. So I'm thinking in pure selfish terms of what will happen if something happens to my mom now. I don't have any emotional support and I don't have anyone else that I can call every day. Mom at least has Judy for when I moved away. And if I'm in this current isolation, I will have a hell of a time handling things.

Maybe I am in that fucking hamster ball from the internet cartoon after all.
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