|To all aspiring writers looking to get published by sending unsolicited emails to publishers...DON'T
||[Jan. 5th, 2014|12:26 am]
I got this in my inbox yesterday:|
Hello, I'm not asking you to publish my books, only to review on Amazon if you wish. You seek innovative work, I think you'll find it in The Four Kings, which is quite unique.I responded but I got a Mail Daemon telling me that I couldn't reach that email, so I respond here.
New Book: The Four Kings
508 pages, 100,000 words
Today's world - skyscrapers, Internet cafes, and all - is in great turmoil. Economic doldrums have seized the entire world in the last several years, and powerful nations such as Pakistan and India are just about to unleash nuclear might upon each other. These troubled times have been labeled The Great Blight.
In response to the perceived failure of humanity to get its act together, powerful wizards have taken over the planet. In North America, four arrogant young wizards have set up a zone of governance for that continent. They unleash a harsh regime of "bread and circuses," vowing to drag Earth forward "kicking and screaming" in order to advance progress by "a hundred years," while at the same time thrilling the populace with their wizard games - the ultimate reality TV. Their appointed liaison to the humans, Amanda Fullerton, must soon decide which side of history she must support - or suffer the consequences. In addition, her predicament is compounded when she falls in love with one of the governing wizards.
Self-published October 22, 2013
NO! Holy fuck! No. Do you really think that you can stick every buzz word together in one damn novel and it will not be fucking terrible. In this pitch alone we get -
1. Economic collapse!
2. Scratch that, economic DOLDRUMS!
3. Internet Cafes (how 90s!)
4. Indian and Pakistan nuking each other!
6. Bread & Circuses (which by the way is NOT a harsh regime - unless of course you don't know shit about Roman history)
7. Forced Progress!
8. Reality Shows!
9. A Bullshit Love Story
Sure, any one of those elements might make a passable book. Hell, you can even stick two of them in the same book (Nukes and Wizards!) but all of them together in one book is like that porno I saw with a Russian orgy where they were playing Eminem's "I'm Sorry Mama" in the background. Seriously, I like that song. I like porn. I don't want them together in one clip!
But actually I'm kidding, I really fucking hate almost every trope in this thing.
So if you are thinking of pushing your novel at publishers who aren't even asking for submissions, please knock it off. Also, stop writing. Just stop right now. It's not happening. A small press asshole mocking the shit out of your lame book on his blog that's read by maybe a dozen people is about as famous as you're going to get.
All it needs is a heroine of about 16 who is handy with some sort of weapon and who is oppressed by said wizard government. :)
I'm not "certain" that "this person" knows what "quotation" marks are "used" for.
Maybe he thought that they "looked cool" while he was sitting around "drinking coffee" because "why not?"
Wat. It's Harry Potter plus Hunger Games. With Internet Cafes!
Seems like popular tropes combined in an absurd way is exactly the kind of thing that is popular in entertainment right now? Like, especially if they are combined in a way that seems "charmingly naive" or "over-the-top, a way that suggests that it is the work of an amateur ("wizard games"!). If this writer is at all capable of producing a basic, fast-paced, readable novel that incorporating all of these elements (which admittedly is unlikely), seems like it could become a self-published bestseller on amazon or something (with the right promotion). This is just the sense I get of "the literary scene" of the internet/tumblr/etc.
I know. I think that the elements should work but together they just don't. Actually this seems like a Hollywood pitch gone awry - it's like Tom Clancy meets J.K. Rowling meets The Hunger Games with India so all the Gandhi fans can like it.
You need to make "tear apart the unwanted query" a regular feature on your blog. This was my best laugh so far this morning.