Tim Lieder (marlowe1) wrote,

Further notes on growing apart from the woman that you didn't think you could live without

If you are masochistic, you can read the beginning of this Livejournal back when I was trying to replace N with religious fanaticism. Well not fanaticism but I did have a rough couple of years there. I started this blog in 2001. I broke up with N in 1999 - or was it 1998? Oh wait - 1998 was the last year we were together as a couple. 1999 was the confusing year when we would hang out but we weren't dating - and we had sex about three times that year - or was it twice? Shit. I used to remember those details very well. And then she ended up with Paul (and also fucked Troy whom she left me for in our first breakup that only lasted a few months - mostly because Troy rejected her - so yay? But regardless I did not have to sit on a panel at CONvergence with that shithead because he didn't show up.) and then went to Costa Rica to tutor. And then came back to Minnesota and lived in Minnesota for a few years until she moved to New York and studied at Columbia.

I bitched about her throughout 2000 and in 2001 I wanted her back but I also desperately wanted to replace her with a girl who was representing all I thought I wanted in Orthodox Judaism - actually she was hot - like Salma Hayek hot - and I figured that I could be a total rightwing nutcase if I was fucking a chick that looked like Salma Hayek - I was also emotionally wounded and desperate for a connection - and I may very well be relating my past motivations through a filter of cynicism in order to distract from the great gaping need and the desperation that I was feeling at the time.

And I think about N a lot in my "holy shit, have I been purposefully seeking out women who were going to hurt me because I mistook aggravation for passion and self-loathing for excitement?" because she was the one sane and rational girlfriend. We were together for four years and she's almost my one argument against the prevailing belief that all old relationships were fucked up. As much as I was uncomfortable with N NOT being crazy or messed up (like most of my friends and crushes) I did get used to it. But she really wasn't a control freak - she just was way more in control than I could have been.

But I was her issues. I was like her dad. And seriously, I met the dude. He was very cool. Kind of like looking in my future.

And that's kind of why I don't feel terribly eager to call her. Part of it is just the emotional component not being in place. The gnawing desperation gave way to calling her because I was most comfortable with her which gave way to nostalgia which gave way to "well I should visit."

Even when she was living over in Queens, I just didn't find the time to visit. I rather enjoyed feeling guilty over not visiting her because I knew that only a few years before I would have been desperate to see her all the time - husband or no husband (actually they didn't get married until they moved away).

Yet, I can't cal her these days. Or when I do contact her and we catch up, I get sad for her. Oh she is now teaching which is what she wanted to do and instead of tutoring in a place where she couldn't get a legit job, she is in California. But I always get the feeling like her husband is a major drag on her. And she keeps picking up to move away with him. He wanted to go to Canada and so they went and she got stuck tutoring. He wanted to go to Spain to go to graduate school and they went to Spain, only he dropped out of grad school as soon as he had Spanish citizenship. And then they were back in Canada where he was doing chef jobs and she was doing whatever she could pick up. And finally back in California where he is doing some shitty google ad gig.

But I am so NOT the person to say anything. And not just because I'm an ex-boyfriend but also because that's HER issue and she is attracted to guys who don't have much in the way of stability to offer - maybe emotional stability - and maybe not then - wanderers and vagabonds and artistic types who are never going to get anywhere. Daddy issues are a cliche, but there you go. She falls for artistic losers. Her boyfriend from high school, Troy who finished one film and never did another one and me. Also Paul - although Paul didn't really come off like a loser since he was top of his class going to Ivy League, but Paul was also the "nice guy" friendzoned friend who latched on to her when they were both 12 and spent the next 10 years bitching about all of her boyfriends with pointed gibes and outright hostility until she finally said "oh what the hell, let's date" and then she ran off to Costa Rica and dumped him long distance - or maybe when he went down to visit.

Amazing how much I love telling that story. Many years later and it's still HAHA Fuck You Paul! You piece of shit loser.

I also enjoyed watching him perform at Balls (all purpose performance art place for all people to get on stage in Mpls) because he was reading from his work - and it was a piece of shit - and he was doing it to impress N - with all his dumb friends telling him that he was talented. Oh the irony was beautiful.

But back to N. I am ok with the fact that the one rational woman that I dated was dating me because of her issues. And I know that I was an arty loser in my 20s (pretty much the impetus behind loving and then really hating the musical Rent) and that's what she wanted until she got sick of me. And if she is still with arty losers, well that's her right. And she has been with him for years and they have twin daughters and I'm sure she's happy.

Only it makes me sad. Because she should be much farther in her career by now. She should not have been going from place to place to support her arty loser husband. He should be supporting her. And this is a serious outsider perspective and I know nothing of the dynamic. It's just when I write or call, I always feel sad about her relationship - and I shouldn't feel sad because that's her thing.

Yeah, I got a lot of work to do. Fucking procrastination.

I am also thinking about other things.
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