Tim Lieder (marlowe1) wrote,
Tim Lieder

Probably the last word on Skylar and You're Not Crazy but you are Judgmental

The fact of the matter is that I was not surprised by Skylar's defriending and then weird closed mouth "not talking to you" passive aggressive approach. Reading http://crazyjewishconvert.blogspot.com makes it pretty obvious that her ultimate goal is to become one of the "good church going women with their MEAN pinched up faces" as Burroughs put it in Thanksgiving Prayer - but you know, replace the word "shul" for church. Generally, you are ALWAYS walking on egg shells with un-converted wannabe converts and newly baal tshuva. Sometimes it's not so extreme. It's a rare convert or baal thsuva who doesn't go through a judgmental asshole phase. There's one friend who was always pretty cool.

I get it way more than she does. When you start to get serious about converting, you make a few mistakes and there is such a weird frummer than thou attitude that it's easy to get caught up in it. People give unsolicited advice. People stay utterly stupid shit that you can't contradict because you are new and inexperienced and you want to be part of the community so you swallow your natural inclination. And before you know it, you assume that everyone is judging you and weighing you and looking for cracks in your armor that might reveal that you are completely unsuited for becoming Jewish.

And there's only so much swallowing of bile that you can do before you turn it on the rest of the world. It's a defense mechanism, really. So you are just waiting for people around you to act anti-Jewish or against your "high moral standards" and then you can throw that judgment at other people.

In other words, Skylar (Skyler? Oh who cares) doesn't REALLY give a shit about my job writing term papers for lazy college students or about me giving Christopher shit for his name. These things just give her a license to feel morally superior to a Jew (a convert, no less) and if she's morally superior, then of course she can be a total self-righteous bitch.

Obviously, she's feeling guilty about giving a guy a blowjob when she was 15, driving over the speed limit, eating bacon after she got serious about converting, celebrating Halloween and that weird time in college when she thought she was bisexual but couldn't find a nice couple for a threeway so just let that one slide. Hopefully one day she will figure out that this is all kids stuff (and I'm guessing because these are pretty common experiences) but right now it's all weighing on her, pressing on her conscience, rendering all of her efforts at being frum hypocritical and false.

So naturally, she internalizes all this guilt and sets herself up as the moral arbiter in which all of her offenses are exaggerated and given the greatest amount of sanctimonious condemnation but in order to relieve it OTHER PEOPLE'S offenses against halacha or human decency (as she defines it) are exaggerated and blown up to the grossest crimes against humanity.

Thus, I write papers for lazy college students (and personal statements for aliterate medical students and MBA candidates) and I am not worthy of being an FB friend. But when I note that Chris' Hebrew name is Esav and even admit that I'm totally giving him shit for it, well that's just beyond the pale. It's not one friend giving another friend shit as far as she's concerned (and that week I also made sure to introduce him to a musician friend who plays the kind of music that he composes in hopes of finding him work - something that I kind of hate mentioning because it's something that's natural and expected. If you have two friends who might be able to benefit each other by association and be business contacts, of course you introduce them), oh no, dear readers, she is going to quote halachic philosophic literature about how embarrassing someone is akin to murder.

Anything to relieve the burden of constant self-incrimination and the feeling of being watched and judged.

Of course, that's no way to live a life and I doubt that Skyler will get anywhere as long as she's internalizing the perceived judgment of the Jewish community. She's just going to go on alienating people and sitting in judgment over human beings because it's a bandage over a problem that most converts go through and few want to admit that there's anything wrong.
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